These 5 Warning Labels Are Only Trying To Do Their Job

C’mon, guys, they’re just trying to help

This Plastic Bag’s Warning Label

WARNING: To avoid the dangers of suffocation, please keep away from babies and children. I know, babies, pretty funny. And super ridiculous! Like, so ridiculous we shouldn’t even need to put it in here, right? But, listen, these things happen. I mean, not to you or even anyone you know — you would never make friends with someone who just leaves their baby near a plastic bag. You have a Master’s degree, so you probably know more about plastic bags than me, a plastic bag. But, just to be sure, we want to remind you to please keep your baby or child or kid or, if you’re German, das kinder away from this bag. Thanks!

This Set of Bus Doors’ Warning Label

WARNING: Do not lean against bus door. Hey, guys, do not lean like The Fonz against these doors. Seriously, look at this guy! Arms crossed, one leg up — that can’t even be comfortable. Ha-ha. No, but really, he probably thinks he looks cool, and guess what? He doesn’t! So please don’t lean! Pretty please!

This Bottle of Allergy Medicine’s Warning Label

WARNING: If you are pregnant or breastfeeding, you might want to consult your doctor before taking this medicine. OBGYN, family doctor, cardiologist, maybe your uncle who has a holistic practice. You just want to check with as many people as possible. Even your mom. Know what? You should really give your mom a call. I’m sure she’d love to hear how you and your little one are feeling. I mean, allergies while pregnant or breastfeeding? The worst! We get it, ok, but please just check with a doctor. Or your mom. But definitely also a doctor. We didn’t want to say it, but you really have to check with a doctor. Legally.

This Jar of Peanut Butter’s Warning Label

WARNING: This product contains peanuts. Prepared in a facility that produces tree nut products. Hi, it’s me, Captain Obvious. Super robotic. Super formal. Look at me, all high and mighty, telling you things you already know. Ha-ha! Hey guys, peanuts are delicious, right? Just be careful, and make sure you and all your friends in your general vicinity — and we know you have a lot of friends — aren’t allergic. Not too bad, right? Easy peasy! Okay, bye. Please make sure. Okay, don’t forget. Please. Okay, bye.

This Can of Four Loko’s Warning Label

WARNING: Alright. I’m gonna need you to listen very carefully. This is a big one. Technically, this drink isn’t even legal. It shouldn’t even be on the shelves of this store. But somehow, it happened. Maybe you’re buying this can from a bodega that hasn’t updated their inventory since 2008. Maybe you found it under your sister’s bed when she moved away to college… almost ten years ago. Okay, whatever, it doesn’t matter. You’re going to drink this no matter what I say, but BEOFRE YOU DO, you need to understand…This drink could literally kill you. Seriously, people have drank an entire can and died. So, please, I know you’re just a sixteen year old trying to have a little fun at after Prom or in a field or under a bridge with your boyfriend, but please, please, please do not consume more than one entire can in your lifetime, preferably sipped very slowly over the course of an entire lifetime. Also, this drink may technically contain rat poisoning. So, maybe you just put it down and go grab a Twisted Tea instead? Hey — I hear Bud Light Lime A Ritas are really good and don’t even taste like alcohol. How cool is that? I mean, what do I know? But sounds really cool! Please reconsider drinking this. Please make good choices. Please use protection. Please, I beg of you. For the love of God.

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