I believe knowing who you are plays an important role in many decisions that you make everyday. Growing up, I never understood or even knew who I was, what made it worse was, in my opinion, that I am product of a bi-ethnic marriage. So on one side I would hear “Omo Igbo in e” meaning “you’re an Igbo girl” and on the other side “Omo Yoruba ni e” meaning “you’re a yoruba girl”, truth is even till today I still hear it. It was especially prevalent during the last elections when I would be in discussion with my parents and I’d find either one of them taking opposing sides.
One day I’ll ask my sisters how they feel about being of two ethnic backgrounds an dhow they’ve navigated it.
I was also bullied as a child, by classmates for being that very angry child, yes anger was an identity I claimed, by family for being overweight and emotional. In high school I saw myself as dumb, incapable of producing excellent work, even though some of my teachers begged to differ, especially my art teacher Mr Ogunbayo and my class teacher in JS 1, Mr Nwosu and others I met in boarding school like Mr Ashaye who encouraged me to write my first book. It was later published in 2013. They always said “Stephanie is smart, she knows what she’s doing but she’s refusing to acknowledge it”. I still didn’t believe them because I was surrounded by people who I saw as better than me. I also saw myself as “the girl with the broken home”. The latter I used to bury myself under its weight and serve as an excuse to not be able to excel at art or math or humanities, I was simply the dumb kid no one understood. This carried on till when it was time to go to university, I failed JAMB (equivalent of the SATs in Nigeria) and with the pressure from family to go into university the same year as my mates, I felt like I had failed completely at life. I felt like my place in my family has been given away.
So if you asked me who I was then, I’d say I was misunderstood, downright stupid, lost and broken.
This feeling I carried into university. Before people knew my name, I was the girl with the pink glasses, small waist and big bum bum (forgive my language, Abba has asked me to say as it is), I was identified by my stature. I wanted to be known for something else other than my body or how I got an D7 in math in WAEC or C5 in NECO, by many standards, I failed well.
I enrolled in a course for “rejects” because Accounting and Economics was for the brainy people. In the end, I graduated with one of the best undergrad thesis in my class. I was one of the most vocal voices in my class, I was even of the brainiest people in the class missing first class by less than point 1 in my CGPA and i say this with all humility and thanksgiving to Jesus.
I’m a lot more grateful now for the people that surrounded me: my mother is number one. She encouraged me to the point that almost every week, she was driving down to see me, just to make sure I was okay.
Later on I was identified as the girl who was always fainting, to my family I was the girl with the health problems even someone asked “Is it only Stephanie?”
You see that I had a lot of identities, it was a lot! Thinking about it now, but God! my Abba! Oh my Abba! He washed me, He remoulded me and made whole! He graced me with new names, one of which is Eden – Delight, a place of natural and pristine beauty, carrier of God’s presence (Isaiah 51:3, BSB, NLT), the other, Moboluwarin – I walk with God (Matthew 11:28 – 30 MSG).
I have always known God, I’ve known Him all my life. I knew Him first as General Zodd who only favoured those who kept His commands (story for another entry) but today I know Him as my Father very interested in both the big details and the little details of my life.
My life has taken many turns but each turn kept on the path to God, hence I’ll say God is the destination, He’s the place you and I are going to. When He gave me my new names, it wasn’t as if I had begun to live in them immediately, it was step by step. I had to let go of who I thought I was: the girl with no ethnic bearing from a broken home having never achieved academic excellence and always bullied by everyone and anyone and very misunderstood.
In those moments when I came to God in September of 2017, God began to remind me of my identity in Him, he started with one of my given names: Oluwanifesimi, God has love for me/God is in love with me (1 John 4:19, Jeremiah 31:3). That name was and still is one of the anchors I hinge myself on God with. Then He showed me how I am part of a chosen people, royal priesthood, holy nation and His special possession (1 Peter 2:9).
Two years ago, in the midst of figuring out the next line for my life, I saw myself moving to another country, I was and still is an advocate for staying in Nigeria and succeeding, but Abba had other plans. From lacking identity and understanding of what I want to do with my life, I enrolled in a masters programme in Information Technology (I also have to thank you earthly father for the push), with a specialisation in Business Intelligence, a course I thought I was not cut out for and graduated from that program with Distinction (I’m a distinction baby!). Not only that, I wrote my thesis in the ethics of Artificial Intelligence another area of tech that I was running away from. I wrote that in a month! Who did that? Abba did!
The God who redefined my identity and my heart and every part of my being to produce work that was termed by external markers as “excellent”, they called it “highly novel and innovative idea”, it was only God who redeemed me that gave me grace to produce “novel” work! That’s what God does! I was also advised to even take up my thesis for a PhD, we’ll see what Abba has to say about that…lol.
In the end, I see that I am capable of excellence, why? Because God is an excellent God. If He calls us His children, made in His image, Genesis 1:26–27, why won’t be capable of being like Him (I didn’t say we are Him that one is impossible), we are like Him, cut from Him, of Him and in Him. I can see that all the things that my teachers saw in me I’m exhibiting them right now and I am looking forward to exploring the many more things they saw me being capable of with Abba by my side.
Today I want to ask who are you? Do you see yourself the way I saw myself years ago ? I am here to sound it again that that’s not who you are. If you do a deep dive you’ll see that those labels are just coined by the world and the Devil to keep you from exploring who God truly made you to be in Him and in union with Jesus. It is not late to find out who you are, to know who God made you to be. If you’re not sure, ask Abba to show you, He will. He showed me. He took me back to a time in my childhood where I wrote a song (yes, I write songs too) and it was raining and I was dancing just for Him, I was singing just for Him. Looking back I can say truly, I’m not the hard guy I have always tried to portray, I am happy girl and I bring joy to people every time.
Ask God today to show who you are. You can use the prayer below:
“Abba/Father/Dear Lord,
Eden says you know who I am, I ask that you please show me, so I can live in the place you have called my identity.
In Jesus Name, Amen”
“But you are not like that, for you are a chosen people. You are royal priests, a holy nation, God’s very own possession. As a result, you can show others the goodness of God, for he called you out of the darkness into his wonderful light.”
1 Peter 2:9 NLT
Remember, God loves you and wants to reveal who you truly are in Him. It is my hope and prayer that at the end of this, you sit with Abba and let Him whisper to your heart and that you too will come to enjoy this freedom I am enjoying. It is too beautiful to pass up.
Tell the next entry, all my love,
Eden Moboluwarin
Dear Reader, welcome to Between the Meadow, I am Eden Moboluwarin, the steward of this blog walking with you to the Destination that is God. I hope you answer the call of He that is reaching for your heart.
Please send your questions to: betweenthemeadow@gmail.com, Abba and I would love to hear from you. Some of your questions maybe answered in the next entry or privately, Abba decides. I’m just the pen, He is the writer here.
If you do decide to answer His call to your heart and accept Jesus as your Lord and Saviour, I’ve got a present for you to help you on your journey to Sonship and intimacy with God. Please send an email with the title: I ACCEPT JESUS to betweenthemeadon@gmail.com and we’ll be happy to reach out to you and walk with you.
Also, follow us on Instagram @betweenthemeadow, there are tons of resources to help you on your journey.
Picture credit: Daniel J. Schwarz (Unsplash)
