It’s 5:38 AM on Easter morning, 2017 and it may turn out that I stare at a blank page for 30 minutes.
I’ve been numb alot lately. My negative funk and junk. My 30th year of Buddhist practice, and my mentor is 89 while the world goes crazy.
I was about to delete this — but just stoped myself.
Whatever it is -it’s 30 minutes and I’m going to continue.
I think about death too much. Then I unwrap another goal and feel better until I block myself again with — “but how?”
There are moments when I feel better. When I chant, I tell myself, I can revive my Buddha nature. Ebbs and flows. Bibs and flowers.
So — OK . . .here where it starts.
Today is day #1 of my next 100 victory days. That means I chant at least one hour per day. That takes me to July 24th , (i think).
Optimism . . .today is our Renaissance Group Discussion meeting. A great start for day 1.
Plus it’s Easter — revive that life condition!!!
What are some things I want to be in the next 100 days? And my list (2/3rds of the word ‘listen’) of simple tasks from my surface strategy:
add photos to my Casting Networks page to get more jobs:
- in scrubs
- in business suit
- in formal gown
- submit for background work to make the money needed to keep the bills paid, go to FNCC Arts Conference, help keep my husband and I in good health, visit friends, be able to give gifts.
What else? make a video that can be used to present myself singing with trio and great sound. Then submit to wherever I can and book work singing.
What else? record — even at home with the tracks I use on the street and add them to my website. And update my website.
Getting bigger: A REAL new CD in a studio, with great players, and best performances and great mix, master and etc. I want to feel great about it.
That takes money — where is the money? Where will I get the money?
This dream — a producer/writer/director decides to use me in a scene as ‘the singer’ in a club. And/or they use my song in their movie.
It is a good time to start again saving a dollar a day.
And there is a marathon in November to train for.
Emotionally and spiritually, I have to leap over the petty dramas that have been like bee stings that give me a bad reaction.
I got rid of the table in the eating area to make room for excercise — so I have no idea where the ham is supposed to go later on today when my relative brings it over for Easter dinner.
And I sure don’t know how the potatoes are going to get cooked, because I am not interested in cooking, cleaning, feeding or even eating.
And the piano. Sitting at the piano. Touching the piano. Tuning the piano. Loving the piano.
I wish I had a door on the piano room.
I wish I would go out at night again and hear live music and sit in and listen and learn.
It seems a long time since hearing Buster play and being able to find the words to ask him good questions.
I will hear him next Saturday, though — at Delmar’s memorial. And I’ll see Kazuko. And Mahazi. Maybe Ollie. Friends I can trust — who support and urge me to believe in myself.
It’s great fortune to have friends like these and life is made of time.
Time, time, time and yes — some great things have happened.
Last Spring I worked 4+ weeks as a stand in for Julie Andrews.
And I continue street performing and adding new songs, doing background acting work, visiting my birth mom, continuing my Buddhist practice with SGI, and running in races with New York Road Runners.
I know Sensei wants us strong — and when i worry most, it’s a worry that I might be doing something wrong.
But the message today from Hank was about ‘belief’. So I will ask me once again — “Why do you doubt yourself?”.
I am still singing for people in my neighborhood (and my own soul) — and working towards the goal of 1,000 days of street performing.
As Mr. K said, “As long as you continue, you win.” I chant Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo with SGI-USA and in oneness with Daisaku Ikeda as my mentor. Therefore, absolutely, my Buddha nature revives and expands.
Today is Day 1. The word is ‘Belief’. The tasks are here in writing.
Now — as Sensei wrote, “ . . . .to brim with a vibrant and winning spirit.”
It’s 6:13 AM. I did the 30 minutes. And then some.