Is My iPhone Battery Dying? And Other Concerns I Have That I Shouldn’t Be Having


Why is my battery already at 98%? Damn it. It was full just half an hour ago when I was using it to watch porn.

Why can’t my housemate hit the note of that song with notes I can always hit when he is singing shamelessly in the shower like I always do when nobody is at home?

Why did that straight boy just call me ‘bro’? Uh, no dude. You and I, we are strangers at most. And ew, did the other straight boy just try to fist bump me? Have some self-respect please, gross.

When will H&M expand their footwear options for men? I can’t afford to squeeze my feet into their teeny weeny assorted high heels in the women’s section anymore longer, can I?

Should I really discontinue the subscription of my Tidal account? I mean, just because I saw the album art of The Life of Pablo appearing on the home screen when I launched the app?

Did the gorgeous as fuck guy I just have dinner with patted me instead of giving me a hug when we said goodbye? You only do that when you don’t find the other person attractive right.

Or maybe he has a flu.

Please have a flu.

Am I purposely ignoring my best friend’s Snapchats so I don’t feel jealous when I see her on a trip with her college friends, and have the urge of a mentally ill white boy to embark on a murdering spree?

Do you think the members of ISIS have poker night every Friday night and respectively talk about which four Victoria’s Secret model should be their wives. Or slaves. What? Don’t look at me, I don’t know how terrorism works.

Will Tom Cruise ever make his comeback from whatever acting career he should be having in the first place?

I wonder what newly discovered ‘body-transforming’ food Gwyneth Paltrow is eating now. Please don’t be anything produced in France or imported from Maine. Or Kale.

Why is my Beyoncé ‘4’ album missing? Did Beyoncé take it away from me as punishment because I bought it for $10 when it was on sale.

Remember how I was so obsessed with Hannah Montana I slapped my brother across the face when he bit a Hannah Montana bookmark that was given exclusively as a free gift to customers when they purchased up to five Hannah Montana notebooks.

Miley Cyrus never seemed to talk about how much she loves sucking dick? Why? Explain.

Would Tina Fey be disappointed in me if she were my mom? If she is, is it because I disagree with her on her views regarding sex workers and prostitution? Or is it because I didn’t buy BossyPants in hardcover.

Hillary Clinton’s e-mails.


Area 51 and the mysterious disappearance of my Beyoncé album. Related?

Nobody knows what Beyoncé eats everyday??? After four- I mean three-decades and yet nobody knows? Incorrigible.

If- according to dad- my mom had Korean blood running through her now dead veins, why did she sing in Japanese instead of Korean when she was in a trance once while meditating? Would the pope like to answer this?

Speaking of the pope, WHO IS HIS STYLIST???

I think I can shove 15 marshmallows into my mouth.

Apparently it’s 13.

Will dad ever stop asking me ‘Are you guys fucking?’ every time I show him a photo of a guy.

Should I slap myself because I have never watched a Jennifer Lawrence movie in my entire life. What is “The Hunger Games”? Is this what the United Nations are naming their list of the world’s hungriest country on their website now? Rude.

Ryan Murphy? More like Lyin’ Murphy.

Do people think just because they have five thousand followers on Instagram they can call you their friend and not save your number in their phone then ask you ‘who dis’ when you iMessage them because you just got a brand new iPhone 6s Plus and you want to utilize every feature available on this four thousand dollar phone so you iMessage everyone including them and that was the respond you got? Friends? You mean FANS? I don’t even follow them on Instagram the fuck bitch.

Are there any abortion clinics here in my country?

Who is Nash Grier.

Don’t Google Nash Grier ever again.

Should I delete my Safari history after Googling Nash Grier.

Yes, Safari. I use an iPhone. I’m better than you.

Do you think Taylor Swift saw that Anna Wintour meme of her at the Grammys? Maybe she is writing a song about it already if she had seen it? The song would probably be something like: You guys are mean but I always win/ Winnin’ at life like Anna Wintour/ Oh yeeeah by the way/She’s also invited to appear at my next tour/ Ohhhhh and so is Kesha- maybe- depending if the press will give it a rest/ But no not you though crazy Kanye West/ (Something about Demi Lovato and how being a white girl is hard in America)/ Cause your love makes me feel warm like a cashmere sweater/ Makes me wanna cry during this season of Yeezy weather/ Oh baby let’s scream now/ GUUUUUURL POWAAAAH

Will Blue Ivy be the President of the United States, the Commander of NASA, or a Supreme Court Justice? Justice Blue Ivy Carter does have a nice ring to it.

Why is everyone in The Last Supper white?

Will anyone still love me after watching my Snapchats @itsmedylanray?

Of course there will because I love myself.

Should I change my Instagram username from @beyonceshair to @adeleshair? Google “Adele’s Hair in 2016” and you will know why.

I can’t betray Beyoncé.

If ghosts are dead and we would become ghosts when we die, why would ghosts want to murder us in horror movies? Do they really want to be stuck with me eternally? Doesn’t make sense now huh does it Lorraine Warren.

Oh did Wes and Laurel kissed last night on How To Get Away With Murder? I didn’t see anything because I was rolling my eyes so hard.

Would the creator of emojis be proud of Carrie Fisher? 👁 feel like they would 🐜 should 🅱e❓

Why is Caitlyn Jenner a Republican. Did her doctor forget to give her a brain during her gender reassignment surgery?

Where does Olivia Pope get tested for STDs? Wait, does she even get tested?

Remember Adele Dazeem?

Okay sure but where is Leonardo da Vinci’s Oscar for Best Picture?

So which orphanage is going to be taking care of my brother when my dad dies???

Oh wow. I have been using my phone for 13 hours and now the battery is already at 49%? Fuck Apple.

Hate what you just read??? I don’t care. 
What I care about are followers. Follow or like my:




Follow me or you will die. Of fun!!! By being murdered by a clown.

Or you can just visit my website like every sane person who reads Shakespeare does:

Like what you read? Give Dylan “Tuna Fey” Ray a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.