Enjoy Receiving “It” More: 3 Daring Suggestions

Here’s a true story:

I used to not enjoy receiving oral sex.

I know, I know. Many of you are gasping in disbelief, but it’s the truth. Of course being a sexual crusader and fierce explorer of women’s sexuality, I knew that it was supposed to be the quintessential feminine experience of pleasure — the thing that felt “the best.” It wasn’t that way for me.

I could never relax enough to actually enjoy the experience.

I was always worried…

…worried that my genitals smelled bad.

…worried that he was getting bored down there and it was taking me “too long.”

…worried that while it didn’t feel great, if I corrected him he’d stop altogether.

…worried that if I didn’t make enough noise, he’d get offended.

…worried that now I “owed it” to him later.

…worried that now he was surely VERY bored, but here he was still down there anyway to try to make me feel good, and I’m sure he’ll hate me and think I’m needy and time-consuming and not want to ever see me again after we’re done…

It follows that I had a hard time relaxing under this kind of pressure.

My strategy: move on to intercourse! I would let him hang out with his face between my legs for a few minutes and then pull him up and have him fuck me. Intercourse, I reasoned, was “mutual.” If his penis was inside of me, I was certain that he was enjoying himself and that I wasn’t accruing some sort of debt. With my worries gone, I could finally relax, let go, and enjoy myself.

At some point, I realized this pattern was causing me some problems. That I wasn’t getting the kind of exquisite sexual attention I really craved was troubling. But even more troubling was that my anxiety around getting my pussy eaten revealed a major lack of personal faith in my value as a woman, along with the “I owe him” way I was approaching sex. I am a badass, confident woman. This news was not easy to come to terms with. But it was starkly true. Sex had become less of an exploration of connection and sensation with another person, and more of a proving ground where I got to achieve the success of making him happy while also getting off — or, in some cases, not.

I wanted to be able to relax and receive more. But receiving, it turned out, was not as simple as it sounded.

Now I know receiving pleasure is not a passive experience, but one that requires intense opening, the kind of opening that includes wrestling with the demons of self-worth and the cultural trap of our sexual obligation as women. It takes guts to receive fully.

Back then, I didn’t get that yet. How did I learn? I began by setting up a research project around receiving oral sex — and enjoying it.

I am a huge fan of sex research and believe that even the most uncomfortable and awkward human experiences can be endured and even enjoyed in the lens of research.

At first, my oral sex research attempts were utter failures. It wasn’t as easy as “just relax.” (Has someone ever told you to, “Just relax?” Yeah, exactly — how often does that advice actually work? Mhm, never.) How did I undo a lifetime of tension around receiving pleasure? Around genital shame? Around the tit-for-tat ways we’ve been taught to have sex with each other, ways that rip all of us off of true connection, intimacy, and pleasure?

My research needed some parameters beyond “just relax.” I decided to turn my body into a real laboratory.

Introducing — the Timer, my all time favorite sexual device to this day. Where would I be without the timer on my iPhone? Nowhere enjoyable, let me tell you.

Yes, ladies and gents, it turns out that I, for one, will do ANYTHING if I know it will end at some point. And if “some point” is sooner, the better. It turns out I can relax and let go like a champ for 5 minutes if I know that once that bell goes off, I get to stand up and put all the pieces back together again.

So I started with 5 minutes on the timer.

I also added a parameter that there was no pressure to climax or make anything happen during my research sessions.

Because, as anyone who has ever been a woman or tried to get a woman off knows, trying harder to get her off usually completely backfires. Like, totally. (See my TEDx talk here where I broach this very subject on stage.) That’s because climax is an involuntary state. And the thing about involuntary states is we explicitly cannot force them to happen.

It took me a month of research, but session by session, lick by lick, I began to be able to relax enough to actually feel pleasure. Sometimes I had to admit it felt downright GOOD. Sometimes, the timer would go off — and I wouldn’t want to stop.

This is what I advise women who come to me unable to enjoy any aspect of their sexuality.

1. The first step is to remove all the pressure.

I mean ALL OF IT. Just take it off completely. Pressure sends our enjoyment into hiding. It stops female orgasm in its tracks. It sends the horniest of us straight into our heads and renders us unable to feel anything other than tension. It sets up bitterness and unmet expectations between us and our partners. It has no place in sex.

2. Second, I suggest setting up some research.

The conditioned guidebook we all inherited around sex while growing up isn’t necessarily the holy grail to live by as adults. We can expand our sexual norms for the better through experimenting with ourselves and each other. (Plus, research can be a lot of fun!!) Within the context of a sexual research project, we are often willing to experience aspects of our sex we’d kept hidden our whole lives.

Set the timer without shame. It is an act of bravery to face and undo your sexual programming. Taking your pleasure is courageous. Give yourself whatever it takes.

3. Lastly, approach all sexual discoveries with the genuine curiosity of a true explorer.

We are here to learn more about our bodies and what we like, and to use our sexuality to open to ourselves and others in wild, tender, hysterically funny, and sometimes downright frightening ways. Our sexuality is designed for the full spectrum enjoyment and despair, longing and connection. When we use it for any other purpose (to prove our love, to make him or her happy, to show that we’re still hot) we bypass the very thing sex is so good for — which is taking us out of control.

Sex is one place in our lives where we have the opportunity to truly let go. It’s a place where we don’t know the outcome of our adventure because it’s only discovered by feeling our way through and by navigating our desires in the moment, breath by breath. Like any exploration, sexual research is fraught with as many awkward, haphazard outtakes as it is with perfect unions and the ravenous consuming of flesh.

But it can be done — I have done it. Every uncomfortable situation in sex can be slowed down, navigated, and eventually enjoyed. Three years after my research, I now relish receiving oral sex. I still worry, sometimes. But I also know how to relax and enjoy the sensations of his tongue on my clit without adding all the pressure.

Because receiving takes guts. It takes our full attention. It’s not passive. It requires all of our strength to take our pleasure.

“It’s easy to live a miserable life, and it takes great skill to do things differently and live a pleasure-filled life. It takes discipline. Indeed, pleasure is not for sissies — it’s for the courageous.” — Mama Gena