I got my HIV test result today and it is negative. It should be something worth celebrating and I was feeling so for a moment or two so I went to have my hair cut.
It is negative, again. I was advised to have regular body check since I’m one of the “high-risk” people. And I followed. Having unprotected sex can hold me nervous and anxious for two weeks and I’ll be pretty sure I’m not infected since I don’t have those symptoms and the risk is statistically low even though health workers and media describe it as “high”. (Yes I know I can’t exclude HIV from the symptoms but the statistics from CDC [50% - 90% will have ARS] is sufficient enough for a preliminary judgement.) I get confidence from the self-diagnosis and each time the result fits my expectation well, fortunately enough.
But what’s the point? I feel my body was emptied the moment I got the report. It’s the feeling when you already made a wish list and were crossing out items one by one because you know you get a shortened life expectancy from HIV and you want to make the most of every second; but suddenly you’re told you can live another 20 years, which seems to be infinitely long and a big surprise. What should you do in the immediate next minute? Nothing is important compared with the extra bonus of life and you may prefer to enjoy the moment for a minute: after all, I have time, then why in such a hurry?
So developmental-psychologically, having HIV (or suspecting yourself of having HIV, in my case) may not be a bad thing. And I’m pretty pessimistic that I’ll be infected some day — it’s the destiny of gay people. The odds of a defected condom are low but quite often there’re people who take off their condom during sex. That’s what happened to me. Evil people do exist.
I think I’ll need a relationship. A relationship where my partner cares about me, not his pleasure only. Yes sex is a necessity, not only for me but for everyone, and it was once my first priority, but not anymore. Then I got to know Nick. Nick and I have similar age and education background, which I consider as important. He was also open to talk and a relationship, for which I was grateful. We met and were ready for some sex — c’mon, I’m not opposed to it — and he disappeared, without a goodbye but just a message saying he had got work to do.
I’m emotional, sometimes, I have to admit. Also sensitive plus [over-]protective. It’s also hard for me to trust people, for some family reason. All lead to over-reaction [if any]. I’m not confident about my appearance — I have no reason to be confident — while Nick has every reason to be so. I texted him to act straightforward, to show respect and be polite. But he might think my message absurd and annoying and never replied.
I thought being nice should be the GCD of all nice people. I mean, Greatest Common Divider, as it is supposed to be our most powerful weapon to fight evil. I try to understand, to appreciate and to support, hoping a solution can be worked out that way. But is it? Can someone who cares about antibiotic resistance partner with another who shows no interest in it, by simply being nice, ceteris paribus? Can someone who actively promotes minority rights partner with another who thinks living his own life is enough, by simply being nice, ceteris paribus? Can someone who has gained first experience with despair and suicide attempt partner with another who looks down upon those depressed, by simply being nice, ceteris paribus? Nick is nice, I believe. But we may share different values, on a long term relationship. He might not treasure a relationship [with me] so much, or he might think the best way to deal with dispute is to let it go.
I begin to think the right place to find a relationship lies in real life, not dating apps. After all, Jack’d doesn’t have an option to let you specify your values. And even if you can, you don’t have the chance to take it out. I’m proud that I begin to face my identity and orientation, but from the starting point, there’s a long way ahead.
