TAVR, Shrinking Schlong

‘HITLER SURVIVES 5 ATTEMPTS TO INSERT A CATHETER INTO THAT SMALL WEENIE OF HIS. HAVING SURVIVED A LOBOTOMY, THE PAIN MEANT NOTHING TO DER FUHRER’ …Der Spiegel 1940

‘You have stenosis of the aorta’, a young, fresh faced doctor at Stanford Medical Center told me on a brief, 18 hour visit to the ICU after a bad bike crash 4 years ago. Stenosis? Never heard of such a thing. Went directly to the universal center of all medical knowledge, ‘Google’.

Want to become a borderline hypochondriac? Easy done. Just Google every ache (aka kvetch) or pain you have. Also, doctors at a teaching hospital specialize in scaring the hell out of you so I went to Google. It told me that stenosis of the aorta just meant that the opening of my aorta was shrinking and my stenosis was moderate. Dr. Patricia Nguyen, an outstanding cardiologist at the VA and Stanford, tried to get me to agree to go into the TAVR program.

Google or Dr. Nguyen was the question. Hell, I was cycling 20–25 miles 4–5 days a week, working with a terrific trainer, Jen Donat, twice weekly and with a resting heart rate in the mid to low forties. Felt as healthy as a pig in shit.

Google was my natural choice.

One more really serious bike crash a few months later, a week in the VA Hospital, 30 days in a rehab center, including almost 30 days of being unable to walk. That was the end of cross country biking. So much for Google, last month I had the TAVR.

Hospitals and rehab facilitates do have a gift they keep on giving: Urinary Tract Infections.

Putting a catheter into my schlong hurts.Taking it out hurts only a little. Putting it back in hurts a ton. Trying unsuccessfully, many times with each new catheter, is ass shaking if not earth shaking in my small mind and small penis.

I do believe that my miniscule schlong shrinkage with old age is accelerating with each insertion of a catherer.

BTW the TVAR procedure was 100% successful.

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