What if Phoebe from Friends was a Recruiter at a Start-Up?

Phoebe Buffay, I love this character from Friends! We all love how she makes weirdness look normal and human. I love her for her quirky nature, her insane committment to what she believes in, the people she loves and her immense belief in all kinds of things. But what is absolutely unique about this one hell of a woman is her honesty and her genuine concern for people. Remember when she saved that guy at work from committing suicide in the episode where she sold toner? Or the time when she wrote those hard hitting songs for the children? It’s so hard to find people like Princess Consuela Banana Hammock in this fake world!

Anyway, I had a strange thought. I wondered what would happen if Phoebe was in charge of recruitment at a start-up. She wouldn’t present a rosy picture. She would be dead honest. So here is an attempt at understanding how Phoebe would have welcomed a person at her start up.

TIP — It might help if you can imagine Phoebe reading this out to you in her “Smelly Cat” voice.

Dear candidate,

Congratulations! Your candidature has been accepted. You are more than welcome to join this much hyped about world of start-ups. You have no idea how lucky you are. Seriously, you don’t.

In your resume, you mentioned that you are looking forward to work in a “challenging” environment that stimulates your intellect and helps your productivity grow. You have no idea how glad that makes us. In fact, we will ensure that you get what you want. You said you love challenges. You think challenging is just a word that makes you look like someone worth being hired, don’t you? Well, we will show you what challenges really mean. We hope you are ready. Can’t wait! ^_^

You must have applied for this job after seeing our presence online. We work hard to create an image that shows off how cool we are. We do. We believe in exaggerating about our “culture.” You see, the internet is obsessed with start-ups, entrepreneurship, millennials, alcohol at work, parties, illusions like flexibility and work happiness, blah blah. Like all our counterparts, we have taken undue advantage of that by talking about how we are the place every young lad wants to be in. We regularly post pictures about our parties (all of us have a drinking problem), glorify about our journey a bit too much than necessary and laugh out loud when people actually believe us. We also know how to use our resources. Even though we love them to death, we also expect them to be working for us ALL THE TIME. You won’t call that asking for too much, will you? If you do, we will change your mind. *wink* We are too cool to be true. We are the generation which is satisfied with doing the irregular and being different. And we would do anything to prove it.

Anyway, here are your key responsibilities:

- You need to be available on email, skype, call, — 24*7. I repeat, 24*7.

- Holidays? Don’t ask for it for the first one year atleast. And even if you do take an off, we will ensure you feel guilty and terrible about it.

- You need to handle an entire team (which is you for now). Don’t know how to? You’ll learn.

- You might not know shit about how things work, but we give you the full liberty to learn and start delivering from day 1. We are very understanding.

- We can forgive you if things do not work out from Day 1 itself. But Day 2 onwards, you will be thrashed for not doing what you are supposed to do — create magic and make unicorns dance inside office.

- You joined as a designer, didn’t you? Well, get ready to expand your horizons. Who knows what your profile would be a year from now? Hence, a humble request — be open. Help us with anything and everything possible. From sales (if you are attractive enough) to marketing, blogging, admin, HR (ROFL) and of course, we will help you deal with all this with free beers. YAY!

- We recommend that you do a test of your stress levels and also the ability to handle trauma on a regular basis (highly recommended).

- Are you a social animal with an amazing social life? Well, forget that it exists. This is not just a job, but your lifestyle.

- Have a girlfriend? We suggest — dump her before she dumps you. You won’t have time for her anyway.

- You think you are human? You’re not! You are a SUPERHERO! :D

Did we miss something? Oh yes, damn. This is the break-up of your salary. Oh, we are very new in the market. So we will be able to pay you way below your expectations. With time, we will keep promising you and emotionally blackmailing you to stay without any pay. But don’t worry, once you do your job well, you will get a great hike, so keep working b&%$h! We can shut you up with the free beers here too. I mean C’mon! Where else will you get to have beer at work? We are super cool.

Here are some testimonials from our employees.

“I’m done with this! I just cannot handle this s&$t anymore! What do they think of me — am I some robot? Where will I know how to do stuff? I wasn’t taught all this in my mother’s womb! These people have sucked my blood out of me! F*&$ you all!”
~ Joan, 23, Marketing
“I don’t know why the fuck am I still here — churning myself and my blood and sweat in this crazy workplace — full of crazy people. I need help! Starting from being late to my own parties, to sleeping my way through get-togethers or always being on the “running” mode, to missing out on potential dates, this place has taken away things from my life. “
~Linda, 30, Sales

Don’t come crying to us later telling us we didn’t warn you. Once again, welcome to hell hole.


Phoebe Buffay

For all those crazy start-up maniacs, I hope you enjoyed this read and it tickled your funny bone somewhere. No matter how bad or good it is, we love this start-up addiction.

Please hit the green heart below if you enjoyed reading this. If not, atleast take a look at this other true story which will explain why start-ups are so cool. No pun intended!