Fear of Losing

Saturday, May, 16 2015

It doesn’t come easy for me to express my feelings to others, especially using a social media agent such as Medium. I have constantly stored my fears and stresses internally, and have learned to cope accordingly. I was wrong in assuming, that there is no one else who will try to understand my lows without judging me. This ignorance is slowly causing the most important person in my life, feel even more distant from me, even though we already have over 3,000 miles of physical distance between us. I can only imagine what this is doing to her, and regret is slowly creeping to guilt, when I should have just been as transparent as she was with me.

Fear, is the best way I can express why I choose to be reserved. I have felt fear many times in my life thus far, but this type of fear has kept me from moving, from acting, from being, the man the love of my life needs me to be. War changes a man; whether, he gets deployed and sees things he wishes he never saw, or fighting an internal war of guilt and grief from not giving it all he has to achieve goals and to be the man he wants to be. Time can kill a man; whether, he has too much time to think thoughts of regrets, of what could have and what should have been, or rather, not have enough time because decisions made early on in life restrict options leading to a more happy and prosperous life.

Both war and time, have contributed to my decision to force a change in my life, rather than sit around waiting for it. Non Ducor Duco === I am not lead, I lead. I lead the outcomes of every decision I make in life, and I lead the outcomes of every obstacle I face. I cannot cower behind fear anymore, and face the reality of losing, even if it means I may lose the one person I care about and love most dearly. I am who I am, and I will no longer be a product of my mistakes.