“Divorce” is a scary word
Names changed to protect anonymity.
I want kids more than anything. Aside from things it would harm my potential future kids’ happiness for me to give up, I can’t really think of anything I *wouldn’t* give up in order to have kids. It’s a constant aching desire, and I’ve known for a long time that what I really wanted to be when I grow up… is a mom.
The main problem with this is that my spouse, Chris, doesn’t really want kids. Chris was raised in a more conservative Christian family/subculture, and grew up assuming that everyone has kids — so of course he would eventually, too. I made if very clear when we were dating that I wanted kids, but since Chris assumed pretty much everyone has kids, that didn’t seem like a red flag. I got the sense that Chris was entirely willing, if not particularly eager, to have kids. And we were in love, so why split up over something that didn’t even seem like an issue? Sure, I would have liked it if Chris wanted kids rather than just thinking it was ok if we had them. But it wasn’t that big of an issue, right?
That was seven years ago, and we got married two years later — five years this summer.
About a year ago, I was getting to the point where I was ready to have kids. I wanted to have kids ASAP after finishing school, and was mostly trying to figure out whether I needed to graduate before getting pregnant, or whether I could finish up the last couple courses (including my undergrad thesis) while pregnant; I decided I could probably manage it, and then have kids sooner! Yay babies!
Chris and I talked it over, and he seemed a bit reluctant, but more or less OK with the plan to start trying in October — until October started getting closer. As that point approached, it became much more clear to both of us that Chris wasn’t ready — might never be “ready” — to have kids. This was, naturally, pretty hard on both of us — but especially me, since Chris is both less emotion-driven and less future-focussed than I am.
We decided to start counselling, and I tried to keep an open mind about outcome — my goal at that point was to stay married, whether or not we could have kids together. I tried, hard, to be able to compromise. I tried to plan a life for myself (and Chris) without kids of my own. I tried to think of ways that I could still have kids in my life — ways that it might be enough. I spent months crying in the shower while Chris was at work. I came to the agonizing conclusion that I wanted kids more than I wanted to stay with Chris — and then spent weeks (months?) working up the courage to tell Chris that.
We’ve switched counsellors in the mean time, since our first one moved jobs and we couldn’t stay with her. I really like our current counsellor, but she’s also leaving in another month or so, and I’m dubious that anything will be resolved by then.
The thing is, my gut feeling at this point is that we might be better off going our separate ways. I’m worried that if we stay together, I’ll have a hard time trusting that Chris will eventually be willing to have kids. I’m worried that if we stay together, Chris will be miserable once we eventually do have kids. I’m more worried that Chris will stay and be miserable than that Chris will leave — but I’m also a little worried that everything will be too much and Chris will leave and I’ll be single-parenting.
I still love Chris. I’m not sure I can really capture in words how much I love Chris, and how much it’s tearing me apart to contemplate a divorce. It’s precisely because I love Chris so much that I’m considering it — I don’t want to push Chris into having kids, or into being someone else. I can’t bear the thought of not having Chris in my life, so I don’t want to mess this up by rushing into a divorce — even if that ends up being what is best for both of us, I hope and pray that we can remain on good terms and stay in each others’ lives.
Chris hasn’t said a definite “no” on kids. I get the sense, though, that fear of being alone is a primary motivator, and that concerns me. I don’t want my partner to be staying and parenting due to fear of the alternative — I want my partner to be joyfully embarking with me on the grand adventure that is parenthood. I know parenting isn’t going to be easy. I know there are going to be tantrums and sleepless nights and times when it downright sucks. I need my partner to be fully bought-in so that I don’t feel like I shouldn’t have pushed so hard when sleeplessness gets the better of me and I’m not sure this was such a good idea after all. I have my own concerns about parenting, but I feel like I can’t voice them to Chris, because Chris doesn’t want kids and this just gives more reasons for that.
Co-parenting is pretty much the only thing I need from my partner — the rest I can get from friends, or handle on my own. Yes, that includes sex — I’d manage celibacy if I needed to. But I need my partner to be a willing co-parent. And it seems like maybe that’s one thing Chris can’t provide, which breaks my heart.
