“Is it Better to Forgive and Move on, or Forget and Stay?”
The best feeling in the world was when I walked up to the podium and received my Bachelor’s of Science Degree in Public Administration and a minor in Spanish from the U of A in Arizona. I was also beaming with pride because my high school sweetheart and my soon to be husband was there watching the whole ceremony. To say that he was proud of me was an understatement, he was beyond proud, but he never really said a lot to me but the actions he took to show me that I was his queen had me head over heals in love with him. It was no wonder I said yes to him when he asked me to be his wife, and soon thereafter, we married with a big ceremony with all our friends and family on a day no later than February 14, Valentine’s Day.
So then what went so wrong after I got a prestigious job with U.S. Customs? I started fighting my hardest to get a job everyone was proud of. And I went to the academy in Georgia and got to experience a life I have never had before. But everything went down the drain when I found out my husband was cheating on me. I actually spoke to the girl that he was cheating on me with. She described him right down to the surgery scar he had on his chest. I had married him right before I left to the academy, and finding out he had betrayed me was the worst feeling in the world. I already had a daughter with him and had already said I do, there was no going back.
I couldn’t finish my three month training with no family and I became so depressed. I quit my prestigious job and went back home to find him like nothing had happened. It tore my whole heart to see that he really didn’t see anything wrong with what he had done. I asked him to leave our home and I stayed with our daughter wallowing in my pain. I didn’t deserve this because I had never even looked at another man. It was the worst time of my life, when it was supposed to be the happiest.
I couldn’t take it, I had been with him for more than 10 years and I missed him, my 2 year old daughter asked for him day and night. I would just stay in bed almost all day and feel so sorry for myself. I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. I tried going out with my friends and see if I could meet someone that would take that horrible pain out of my heart but it was useless, he was inside my heart as if he had hammered a nail into my heart with his attached to mine. Where did I go so wrong, was I ugly, fat, annoying? I asked myself these questions all the time to figure out how I had managed to let him seek the attention of another female while being such a newly wed, and not only that but I was educated and people told me I was beautiful but all that didn’t matter to me anymore because the love of my life had hurt me in such a way that I would never be the same person anymore.
One night, he showed up at my house and wanted to talk to me, I practically threw myself at him crying that I missed him and I couldn’t live without him. He was crying too, and told me he was so sorry and it would never happen again. He said he couldn’t live without me and his daughter and wanted us to be a family again. It was everything I wanted to hear and more, he had came back to me and I didn’t even bother to call him and beg him to come home, I was trying to forget him, but it was impossible. The mere action that he had come back home and asked for forgiveness was all it took for me to take him back. Of course I had my doubts and was not going to trust him so easily anymore but I was going to try my hardest to make it work for the sake of our family and our marriage.
Two years later, we had our son, and I felt like our life was complete now, a boy and a girl. We loved to go out to different places like the beach and go camping, we were always together doing things and actually we became alot closer after his infidelity, but I never forgot. Of course I forgave him, but it was always in the back of my mind like an annoying bug buzzing in my ear once in a while, and what did I do, just swat it away and hope it didn’t come back. So after I had my son, I went through post par-tum depression. It wasn’t because I was unhappy and he was treating me badly and our life was a mess, but because I never got over the pain of his cheating. So it was during this time that I started to argue with him a lot and bringing up the past, he would defend himself by saying that I had already forgiven him, so what was my problem? My problem was that I never go over that deceit, that betrayal, when I was so loyal to him, he never had any reason to doubt me because I was always home with the kids and I never went out with my friends. I was the most loyal wife I knew. But agian the buzzing in my ear was driving me crazy and it kept nagging me to say something to him. Eventually he got tired of my mood swings and left to live with his mom in another town that was two hours away. So now what was I going to do with two babies and no family close enough to help me if I decided to find a job and start working?
So what did I do, I packed up and left the place where my children were born, the place where we had gotten married, the place where I had gotten my education, the place that held so much good and bad memories. I went to our hometown where I asked my mom if I could stay at her place with the kids while I got on my feet and found a place of our own. Of course she was delighted to have her baby grand kids live with her since she hardly saw them. I was still very depressed that I didn’t really care what happened to all our things that we had bought over the course of our marriage to make our little apartment look so nice. I only brought my mattress and couches, because they were brand new, and of course the kids and my clothes and a T.V. I was at a point where I didn’t really care anymore what happened between me and my husband because his infidelity had caused so much harm to my heart and spirit that I felt I couldn’t keep fighting to keep us together.
I later found out that he had started dating my sister-in-law, she had a baby by my brother but they were not together anymore. This was not only devastating to me but also to my whole family. I couldn’t even think about what I was going to do and how I was going to raise the kids on my own. But I didn’t have to think that hard because he came back and had gotten a job. He said he was going to get us a place and we would be happy again. He also said that the sister-in-law rumor was not true and that he only loved me. So there I go again for the second time, completely broken because of his infidelities, but I felt that I had to give the kids a chance to have a family that included their dad since I didn’t grow up with my dad, I thought I had to fight harder to keep us together. He was the best husband and father to us, and I really did think things would work out between us. My depression had subsided but of course, I never forgot, and this new rumor I heard about him only made things in my head even worse. I tried not to talk about it and he was as if nothing had ever happened, he never talked about it and if I tried to ask he would change the subject. So it went on like this for another 3 years or so and we were pretty well off by this time…Or so I thought.
He never stopped seeing my sister in law on the side, and I never really found out until I walked into her house one day and he was sitting there. That was what broke up the marriage completely, that he never knew how to just love just one woman, his wife, the mother of his kids. He was always busy working and I believed it because we never needed anything, we always had money and nice things, but what I didn’t know was that he continued to see her and I was the last one to know. So back to my question, “Is it better to forgive and move on, or forget and stay?” I think you know the answer to that question…forgive him and move on without looking back is what I should have done from the moment I found out he was capable of being unfaithful to me. But I learned my lesson and at this time of my life without him, I couldn’t be more happier, my kids are also happier now. Mistakes are very good lessons learned.