Secular Morality — Solved

I’ve been hearing a lot about morality, and whether or not one can have morality without a god. But you know what? This debate is just plain silly. And you know it’s silly. So let’s all just calm down and put this to bed right now.

I’m going to tell you a little story about a man named Josh. Josh is a pretty unremarkable dude. He lives a pretty normal life. Occasionally he does laundry. But sometimes he doesn’t.

One day, Josh siphels your mother.

This upsets you. Your mother will never be the same. All of those amazing brownies she used to bake? You know the ones with the walnuts? Welp, they’re gone. ’Cause she’s not longer capable of baking them. And your father was naturally so distraught over this, that he hung himself in the basement.

Yeah.

So you decide, “You know what? I’m mad. I’m mad at the world! I’m gonna go siphel Lydia. ’Cause I never really liked Lydia. She’s got this smirk when she talks, and it’s just so irritating!! I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it right now!!”

So. Is sipheling moral? You don’t know what sipheling is. I don’t know what sipheling is. But is it moral?

No. The answer is no. Obviously it’s no. And because you didn’t know what it was, you had to use your brain to figure it out.

Secular morality!

So, there we have it. The illusive question of morality has been answered! And we didn’t need god at all! He can just keep chilling on some magical beach somewhere, sipping mineral water and not having to worry about writing us a memo every time we have to wonder if we’re being a dick or not.

Phew!