I’ve started this letter in my mind hundreds of times before. And each time I’ve erased it just as quickly as I had begun it.

Let’s get this out of the way. I do not hate you and I do not dislike you. But neither do I love you or like you either. You are neutral in my mind, at least now you are.

I was young when I heard the doorbell to the back door. I didn’t even know we had a doorbell back there. I strolled down the stairs thinking that we had ordered a package of some sort. To my surprise it was a white guy with a badge.

Did you know that I could still see him when I close my eyes? Did you know that I will never get the image of his coffee stained teeth and nicotine infused breath out of my mind? No, I don’t think you know that. Did you know I was the one that received the letter telling us that we were being evicted? Did you know that this same white guy with a badge smiled when he told me to tell my parents we were being evicted?

Did you know that when I closed the door on him, I stood outside of your first floor door, staring at your apartment? My pre-teen heart racing and my mind digesting the enormity and gravity of the situation. Did you know that on that day I lost my childhood? No. I don’t think you knew any of that.

Did you know that on that day I lost my childhood?

As bad as the New Bedford Public Schools are, I knew one thing. That every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

I was young. It is possible that my youth colored my experience to such a degree that I misinterpreted the situation. But it’s also very possible that I knew exactly what was going on. Your inactivity set off a chain of events that you could not possibly foresee. There was an equal and opposite reaction.

We stayed with my paternal grandmother for a few days at a time with the balance of the week marred by staying in our car. You and your wife threatened to tell the public housing authority that she was in breach of lease for allowing us to stay with her. That possibly could have gotten her thrown out for helping us. She didn’t have to let us stay. But she did.

…the balance of the week marred by staying in our car.

Every day that summer I talk my dads wallet and checked our finances. I checked any and every bank statement, deposit slip, and pay stub. I was 12 years old. That should not have been a priority for me. But it was. Thanks.

You taught me a lot about the world, unknowingly of course. You taught me what family really means. Blood means nothing. You choose your own family, for better or worse. You taught me how the world works. Survival, by any means necessary.

Did you know I got married a few years back? I’m 25 years old now. I’m a lawyer. I have to thank you all for that. Everything good in my life is because of you, whether you knew it or not. You see, colleges and universities give you free reign in writing your admissions essays.

Do you know what I chose to write about? I’ll give you a hint. The criteria for a great college essay is separating yourself fro, the rest of the bunch. Every applying to college and beyond had great grades. They all had extracurricular activities. They all did well on their admissions tests. But where most people falter is the essay. They write about why they want to go to college. After 2,000 of those same essays they all begin to look alike.

Have you figured out what I wrote about? Yes, I wrote about how you made us homeless. I went into great detail about when I received the letter. I wrote about how I had to grow up and become a man because my childhood was shattered by that sheriff and his disgusting smile. I wrote about how important your family is in shaping your personality.

I thank you for giving us that experience. Because of you I received multiple full scholarships to most of the colleges I applied to. They had never seen an essay like mine before. I went to Roger Williams University. They gave me a $30,000 a year scholarship. I met my wife there. I ended up going to law school there. You know what I wrote about for my law school essay? The same thing.

I see judges every day. I talk to them like regular people. I deal with people accused of some really disgusting crimes and I never flinch. But the last time I saw you, I ran away. I guess that should tell you something. What that something is, is for you to figure out.

Let me reiterate. I don’t hate you. I don’t dislike you. I’m starting a new chapter in my life. Within the next few years I will start a family and buy a house. I don’t want to bring children into this world when I’m still holding on to the past. So, I forgive you. I’m releasing all of these feelings about you because they no longer help me. I’m done using you as motivation to do better. I am better.

I don’t expect a response from you. And honestly, I really don’t want a response. I wrote this letter to let you know about all of the consequences of your actions. Some positive. Some negative. But I didn’t want the remnants of those consequences to be present when I move forward with my new family.

So again, thank you. You created a hostile environment for me, but it made me better. It made my future better. I graduated with Magna Cum Laude with a Bachelors Degree. I graduated Cum Laude from law school with a Juris Doctorate. I’m a lawyer in Rhode Island and Massachusetts having passed both bars on the first try. Thank you for giving me the fuel I needed to sustain my fire.

So, I forgive you.