A Lesson in Love: “Hit It Back”
The Sandlot is my favorite movie of all time.
I think it’s because I relate so well with the main character, Smalls.
Here’s the thing about Smalls. He’s a good kid. He’s quirky and awkward, but it just makes him more relatable. He’s nice, and kind, and eager to learn… and all he wants is for someone to show him the ropes and teach him to catch so he can go play baseball and make some new friends.
Smalls asks his stepdad to play catch with him.
“I’m busy,” he mutters without even looking up from his paperwork.
Ugh.
Remember that feeling you got when people didn’t want to play with you?
You grab the big red bouncy ball and run out to play foursquare at recess. You’re so excited.There’s always a line of kids waiting to play foursquare!
You think you’re about to be the most popular kid in class…
Then everyone gets to the playground, they see you have the big red bouncy ball… and the cool kids have the soccer ball.
Everyone goes to play soccer.
You’re left with your big red bouncy ball, three empty squares of asphalt, and a hole in your soul.
It was a horrible feeling as a kid… and I still often feel it as an adult.
The Adult Version of Childhood Nightmares
As a single man who is actively dating with the hope of one day finding a woman with whom I can fall madly in love and share my life, I often feel like I’m playing (or not playing) the social equivalent of catch with Smalls’ douchey stepdad.
Dating is hard.
Not everyone wants to play catch.
And I’m finding there are many people who say they want to play catch — they even put on their baseball cap and glove — and then you toss a ball their way and they flinch in fear, or get distracted by a another ball… or a squirrel, or they just stare you in the eye as the ball you tossed them flies by without making an effort to catch.
Sometimes they catch even the ball… they just don’t throw it back.
It’s exhausting to lob ball after ball after ball into the air and never have anyone toss it back.
“Want to go dancing tonight?”
“I’m watching a movie with my girlfriends.”
…
“What happened in your life today that’s worth celebrating?”
“Nothing.”
…
“What are you passionate about?”
“That’s kind of a weird question.”
…
I even had a girl I was dating get mad at me because I wrote her a love note. She had been thinking of writing me a love note, but since I did it first, she felt like now she couldn’t…
These are all real interactions I’ve had in the past few months.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying these women are bad or wrong for having a night out with the girls, or thinking my questions are weird.
I just really wish that rather than swatting the ball away, or watching it roll past, someone would pick it up and toss it back… and maybe even be excited at the prospect of playing some catch.
As I look around me, and I get the feeling that there are a lot of other people who feel the same way.
It reminds me of one of my favorite monologues by Pete Holmes. He talks about social grace ping pong and how the world would be a better place if people would “just hit it back.”
Watch it. It will be the best 4 minutes of your day.
Also… Science!
“Hitting it back” is actually really important when it comes to relationships.
In his book, The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman talks about how the importance of responding to your partner’s (or potential partner’s) emotional bids for connection.
What’s a bid?
Basically, it’s when someone tosses the ball with the hopes that you’ll catch it and throw it back.
They say things like, “Guess what!” or “You’ll never believe…” or “Did you hear about…” or “Is it cold in here?”
Maybe they’re reading a book and they mutter, “Wow… that’s amazing!” or look out the window and say, “What a beautiful sunset.”
Maybe they ask you the question, “Hey babe, how was your day?”
These are all bids to connect.
They are opportunities for you to turn towards your partner, or to turn away from them.
In Gottman’s research he found that the most successful and happy couples respond positively 9 out of 10 times to the emotional bids of their partners.
On the other hand, the couples who participated in his study and got divorced after 6 years together only responded positively to 3 out of 10 bids.
So, what does The Sandlot, my dating life, Pete Holme’s standup, and 40+ years of qualitative relationship research teach us?
Life can be a beautiful, wonderful, delightful game… if you take a chance and choose to “hit it back.”
