Rambling — Resurrected.

Life is nothing but a complex chain of love. The care which a person displays for other people, events, objects, particular moments and occurences in his life, shapes his life to give rise to the person who he is at that specific moment and the person he is to be the next moment and the moment after that and the million moments which follow to make up his lifetime. However, no one relationship or bond can shape a person’s life completely. It defeats the purpose of the sixth sense, we humans have procured. If it ever does, it would result in a very repressed and confused being, obsessed and ignorant. Each living being who has the power to feel and make others understand what they feel, will have intricate complex bonds built with every person they interact with during the course of their lives. No matter how trivial a person’s role is in another person’s life, the birth of an opinion about the former in the mind of the latter is inevitable, in the natural course of events. Each one of these opinions which are born from observation, thought and understanding tend to shape the course of our thinking which in turn plays around with the way we wish to shape our character. In short, love is greed. It is greed to feel much more than we have ever felt before. To love is not to sacrifice or be irrationally spontaneous. Sacrifice and spontaneity are tools to make you feel better about yourself by showing who you truly are to another living being, breaking out of the restricted process and code which we follow to blend into society as social beings who can be interacted with and predicted, at ease. I’ve said all this without stopping to think what I’m really trying to say and you’ve been patient enough to sit down and listen to me babble. I’m not stoned, I’m not drunk, I’m not in love. What am I, then? Why am I sitting around writing this? I guess….it’s cuz i don’t know. I don’t know who I am. And what I am. I’m not gonna sit here, type and pretend I understand myself any better than I understand those around me. I don’t. I’m very fucked in the head, but surely not any more than the rest of the world. I’m perfectly average, but to every other mind which absorbs my presence I have a certain defining character. Not necessarily the same one, though. You may think this is because I keep evolving and I probably do. But the way people perceive me doesn’t arise from the way I am, but from the way they want me to be, the way they expect me to be. I guess that’s why society and social culture are such a fuckin’ hit. It gives everyone something to conform to, to mould themselves into, to be accepted by others without actually displaying who they are. But what I realized a while back is that to be in love you have to be able to throw that shell you’ve been hiding in and let yourself out. Not many people can do that. No, they can’t. I can’t. Not yet, anyway. I can’t cuz I still have to satisfy the world around me to survive. I have to conform to the rules and the laws and standards to be accepted and to rise in the ranks of the human beings. Thing is, I don’t want to. I don’t want to do any of that. So, how am I going to break out? I may never have the balls to. But if I do, I know that I can rise. Maybe not in the eyes of the world around me, but in my own. Some of the greatest artists and thinkers of all time have had to endure isolation from the world to truly understand themselves. That doesn’t mean they wanted it, but they had to undergo it. They couldn’t relish the company of those around them, those who had opinions and perceptions stemming from their original being, their self, couldn’t handle the being whose thoughts and beliefs were bred by civilization and the popular thought of those from that day and age. The greats couldn’t relish it, so they had to relinquish it. And so they did. I said, earlier, that life is a complex chain of love. I know for a fact, now, that I was right. Love determines what we do, what we are, what we want. It doesn’t concern people alone. Sometimes, people aren’t loved at all. Some people absolve themselves of the world around them, of the society they exist in and immerse themselves in love. True love for their passion, for their life, for their vision and, finally, for themselves. The soul which feels what they truly feel. Spontaenity and sacrifice, I said, are not what love is all about. I know now, more certainly than I’ve known anything in my life, that I was wrong. What the world has gotten wrong, though, is that it should be shown to and for other people, not yourself. They are dead wrong when they say that. To be spontaneous about our lives and sacrifice what we have to get what we love is what life is all about. You exchange life, as you have it, for love, as you want it. Life, in short, is love. I’ve understood a lot today and I’ve seen the paths I can tread in this life of mine. Soon, it’ll be time for me to make a choice. To love living without a life or to live a life for love. To lead the life of a mindless man or transcend with the power bestowed upon us humans, the power to feel. It’s a choice every one of us has to make. All I can do is hope and pray I’ll make the right choice when the time comes. Da Vinci did, Poe did and John Lennon, he did. Only, he did it for a woman. Hey! Each one to his own right? But I know he did. He definitely knew what I’m talking about now, when he said “I hope one day you’ll join us and the world will live as one.” The day that happens, I’ll see the break of dawn with a new light in my eyes.