Reflections on Regrets
I’m amazed with how many things I regret doing or things I’ve let slip away. I guess I have three that really stick out.
The first one was when I was 11 years old. I was walking around the the playground at school and looking for a friend of mine. I came upon a kid who had his face buried between his legs. It looked like he had been crying. I asked him what happened and if he was ok. He replied “I don’t have any friends”. I couldn’t bring myself to help him. I simply told him that he needed to be bold enough to ask to hang out with the other kids. Looking back on that now I regretted not telling him I would be his friend. I know all too well what being lonely and being treated like you don’t matter. If I had a chance to do it again I would make him my friend so he’d never feel alone or feel unwanted.
The second thing I regret would be my struggles with depression and drugs. I was sixteen years old and a sophomore in high school. My life had been charged forever. My older brother had passed away and the last thing I ever said to him was “Fuck You, you suck!”. Then later that night something happened that has still haunted me. He collapsed at the bar and died at the hospital. Now he was born with a bad heart and wasn’t excepted to live past twelve years of age but he lived to be twenty-five. I never forgot my last words that afternoon and it was too much to handle. A couple days later my parents divorced and I found myself in between a fight for who got which kid. I just want to forget about everything and numb the pain. I started on pills and beer but that just made things worse. Then one day I started taking a hard drug called Heroin. Everything changed after that. I was shooting up at school every morning and once I even did under my desk. I was just miserable. I was poring gasoline on a raging fire and I didn’t care who I hurt. I was hurting myself and my friends but I couldn’t bring myself to stop. Eventually I had a life changing experience that brought me to my senses. I feel awful to this day about how many cruel and horrible things I did just to numb my depression and my pain . I wish I could go back and change the way I handed things but when your sixteen you never know what is best for you.
The final regret would be that I never told my grandma mother that I loved her. I am a person who doesn’t like emotions or emotional interactions. I just couldn’t do it. My grandma passed away in late August of 2012. I never once said those words. I guess I feel like when you say that word your letting your guard down and your venerable. I just can’t do it. Building a wall to keep things out is what I’ve done my whole life. It’s going to be a lifelong struggle.
I would change what I’ve done but i can’t. I just need to learn and move forward from the mistakes I made and be able to make better choices in life for now on.
