When Text Messages Strike
The Gist
Texting is at the bottom of the communication food chain. No sounds, no eye contact, just mute words on a screen — that’s as low as friendly communication can go. It’s fast and certainly useful, but it can get away from you, it can be abused. It’s communication, sure, but it’s the bare minimum, not a worthy replacement for the slightly more intimate, natural ways of communicating — seeing them, hearing them. It’s cheap and easy, in relation to the other methods — face-to-face, voice call, shout across the yard.
In my opinion, this tool is meant to be a small branch of your communication with anyone, never the full tree. It’s becoming the full tree for too many of my relationships, and that’s basically why I’m taking issue with it, and want to distance myself in favor of its less convenient, more suitable alternatives.
Text Messaging Gone Bad
The folks with final say have concluded that a text message is ‘an electronic communication sent and received through a mobile phone’. Sounds right, but it doesn’t quite articulate the breed of text message I‘m concerned with, so I tried my hand at a refined, alternate definition: any electronic communication that is anticipated, sent, received, and translated (edit: ‘texting anxiety’ is a term I’m looking for, I learned after publishing this).
It is a very particular type of distorted communication that occupies a lot of headspace (waiting for the text…interpreting the texts…sitting around thinking about the texts…).
It’s increasingly prevalent in my own life. The solution is simple — just call or speak in person — but the solution is hard, because texting is the path of least resistance and conflict in communication. I settle for texting all the time, every day.
Here are a few common scenarios where text messages appear alongside anticipation and translation, when it’s more than send/receive:
- Conversations with any friend you don’t speak with very frequently (checking in with them, etc.)
- a minor argument / debate / discussion with anyone
- sharing feelings or opinions that haven’t previously been shared with somebody you care about or want to care about
- The duty to respond (‘we’re in a relationship and we text all day, every day’)
These scenarios are not uncommon for those who text often. They’re a bit tense (not tense in the ‘!!!’ fashion, just tense as in ‘it’s hard not to pay attention to this’). They’re equal part anticipation, digestion, and translation — this last leg is where you take the words written by a partner, or a colleague, or a friend, and you stack many more words on top of it, you manipulate it, possibly even disregarding the original words to form a new original meaning that will serve as the foundation for your response, and inform a theme in the conversation that exists entirely in your head, and which might’ve never had a chance to develop had you been speaking with the person and seen their face, or heard their tone, or had a chance to feel the vibe of their message at all — their inflection, their expression. Subtext, in a word.
Murdock points out that there are inherent problems in any type of electronic messaging, but particularly texting, which places a premium on brevity and lack of explanation. (source)
A face-to-face conversation can have subtext, of course, but text messages leave more room for interpretation. If face-to-face is a painting, in the flesh and final, a text message is a coloring book — you can see the image, you can see the lines, but if you want to add your twist, make your version of it, have at it. Just sit back and translate, close your eyes and scribble meaning.
I’ve colored many-a text message myself, which is weird and a waste, but I have, and I do. I suspect I’m not alone. When the exchanges are tense, I’ve been guilty of setting my own meaning to the other person’s response and framing them unfairly —scribbling when I should’ve just read, taken their word, and responded. I’m frequently unreasonable when texting, and that is an uncomfortable realization.
I blame it on me, of course, for consistently choosing this medium to have conversations with any levity at all, for allowing them to go there, for being insecure at times, but I’m not going down without my apprentice — that cheap and ubiquitous method next door, Text Messaging.
81% of Americans text regularly (guesstimates for how many texts are shared per day range from low tens of millions to the billions — I have no idea, but we can assume a lot). My concern, what I see, is that a lot of these exchanges could’ve been had by call, or in-person, or on a video chat, and more importantly they should’ve been, that it would’ve been healthier for the relationship, that some relationships are suffering in the communication department because too many conversations are being offloaded to the text, or forced onto text, where they aren’t done justice, where they’re manipulated, misconstrued, oversimplified, leaving either party feeling restless, preoccupied, or anxious.
Texting has become such a normal low level thing in today’s society that it should be treated as such. Texting is perfect for low level fun conversations, setting up dates and just keeping a line of contact between you two. I use it to be witty and fun, and to be interested in ones life. And most of my texting has literally no real deep meaning apart from entertaining us both. Deep conversations are to be had in real life or over the phone, not through a small emotionless screen. (Reddit thread)
Many people, maybe the large majority, have no issue like this with text messaging — they never feel it’s pull or distrust its words to have to translate anything ever. They have full control over it and their thoughts, like I do with other habits or technologies that others may struggle with. To each their own.
For me, and I suspect for many others, I often feel the gravity of or duty towards text messaging. It’s too often on my mind, or leaving me feeling anxious or otherwise uncomfortable. This takes my time and energy away from more lively matters. That’s just not healthy.
First Step toward a Fix
People abandon social networks for any number of legitimate reasons, but I don’t often hear people cutting back on the texting — probably because for many of you it is stupid to, since it simply a utility to you and to read this letter is to shake your head and whisper ‘this boy needs God’ .
I get it, ‘just…stop texting so much’ or ‘turn your phone off’. But for me, I feel a cold turkey spell is the most effective and immediate way to reposition the conversations of my life, and hopefully return with a more mature handle of this ‘simple’ technology.
If there is an urge to talk, if you need to tell me something — just call. If I don’t answer, leave a voicemail. Voicemails — whatever happened to them? Who knew I’d miss them..
Text messaging has gotten away from me. I’m reigning it in.
