Review: “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”

Turtle power?

Much has been written about the so called “post plot era” of blockbuster cinema. Movies like Transformers 4 or the new Godzilla remake, where characters barely change and little else happens outside of the action, represent this depressing development. I WOULD argue that these elements don’t, by themselves, make a film bad; atmosphere and attitude go a long way (especially in the case of Godzilla). WOULD is the important word here, as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just proved correct all the wrong that’s been written.

Of course, I don’t mean the original adaptation of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from the 90’s — a film regarded as a cult classic — but rather, the near joyless remake just released in theaters. It has all the makings of an insultingly poor Michael Bay flick (who produced it) without Bay as the actual director. How sad is it that a hired filmmaker replicates the style of the producer, from the cinematography to the screenplay?

Almost every shot of the movie contains a lens flare and is at an off kilter angle, sweeping across a setting, in such an unnecessarily self important manner. And the writing is just as bad. Lines like, “Drain them off all their blood; even if it kills them!” Wouldn’t draining an organism of ALL blood kill it? How about a Japanese super villain saying, in his native tongue, “I’m gonna make Turtle soup!”? There’s a strong Saturday morning cartoon feeling going on, but it’s far too dumbed down for me — and probably any kid — to enjoy. This makes already comical visuals like a Samurai Swiss Army Knife outfit look even more silly, and even more so when little to do is made of it all.

Megan Fox plays the human lead April O’Neil, the most boring and awkwardly presented person on the planet. She’s supposed to be an idealistic tv news reporter, trying to uncover more important stories. Instead, she comes off as an emotionless alien, who has never encountered another human being ever. Even the way Megan holds a paper and pen is strange and uncomfortable. I’m not expecting high caliber performances (even in a movie featuring a Whoopi Goldberg cameo that’s meant to be a joke), but a little more effort would be nice. Megan just looked embarrassed and embarrassing.

The Turtle action was decent, as well as their animation, but everything surrounding them brought the overall experience down. Laughable and dangerous, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is more of a Transformers movie than the barely passable Transformers 4. No need to follow the filmmaking textbook all the time, but do know the craft a bit. Movies made by studio committee or self centered man children need more help than normal. More than “Turtle Power” can provide.

1.5 / 5