Review: “The Canyons”

Don’t worry — you’re supposed to not like it. I think.

Did you know that “assignation” is a word? I certainly didn’t until the opening scene of The Canyons. “It means meetings, dude,” says Christian, when questioned. His delivery of the word was done in a Cheshire grin manner, with a matter of factness attached. As if throwing out the word in a conversation is the equivalent of a secret fraternity handshake. Forced to explain it, Christian acts annoyed and exhausted, while typing away on his phone.

It’s my guess that he’s searching for a new word, bro. I’m annoyed and exhausted already, and the story isn’t even five minutes old.

Starring Lindsay Lohan and porn star James Deen, The Canyons is a movie that chronicles a tale of jealousy, murder and texting. Lots of texting. There’s a sex affair triangle between a titular producer (James Deen as Christian), a relinquished actress (Lohan) and a naïve stud wanting to make it in Tinseltown. Effortlessness in Hollywood and a culture separated from one another and itself, with interspersed images of decaying movie theaters. This might be the best modern Great Gatsby adaptation to not be a Great Gatsby adaptation. And I hated this year’s Great Gatsby adaptation.

“Nobody has a private life anymore”. Well, sure, but only if you live that way. Christian asks his not-exactly-mistress where she’s been all day, reads her texts and talks with her friends. On the subject of sex, he states with little expression, “This is just this.” He’s a nihilist when he wants to be, and a control freak when a Facebook status worries him. Are you as disgusted as I am?

After the opening scene, there is only one other sequence that I feel sums this movie up. A character goes to visit the boss of a bar he works at. We see him walk from outside to inside, up a flight of stairs, and finally into an office. (!!!) So much time, wasted on walking. Once in the office, we get some wonderfully suggestive photography, making us feel greatly uncomfortable… if only boredom and impatience hadn’t hit us like a truck. The padding becomes as insufferable as the people we’re watching.

What is there to like? Lohan plays a weathered sex object, clearly sick at what she’s become. She goes along with her life anyways, but it’s most definitely taken a toll on her. The abandoned movie houses shown throughout run parallel to her — thrown away, barely standing structures of a dying time. The ones that remain lack personality, and suck the life from those they cross paths with. A dislikable movie about dislikable people, showing us a dislikable slice of life in a dislikable world.

I’m sure that the creators could explain why it is what it is without having to stare at a small screen every few seconds, but they would probably expect me to. That’s one assignation that I wouldn’t want to ruin.

2.5 / 5