The Gods Have Spoken, Anti-vaxers Not Welcome

“The Buddha said, “Look, we have no hospitals and no health care up here, we can’t take care of all those sick souls — take the shots.”

Photo by Yaopey Yong on Unsplash

Billy Jones, Wackemall Network News

Purgatory — In a surprising announcement the deities agree, anti-vaxers will forever remain in Purgatory. In yesterday’s joint press conference just outside the Pearly Gates, the deities of every religion known to man all indicated anti-vaxers will not be allowed entry into Heaven or Hell, and will forever remain in Purgatory.

In a prepared statement, Jesus of Nazareth, the Son of God, speaking for all the deities, said, “My heavenly father worked very hard to build this place, and I’m not going to stand by and watch a bunch of anti-vaxers come up here and tear it down. Every day, Daddy has to expand the Universe to make room for the constant influx of immigrants from Earth. We simply will not allow these illegals to enter. We can’t.”

Zeus and Apollo were both standing at the Pearly Gates lightening bolts in hand when Apollo said, “If they think they’re going to rush the gates, break windows, and get in here, we’ve got something for them.” Zeus nodded in agreement.

In an announcement of prophesy, the Prophet Mohamed said, “Already we don’t have enough virgins, how am I to make good on my promise if everyone gets infected with Covid-19?” In what might be considered a fatwa, he added, “If you think the Delta Variant is bad just wait until the God Variant comes out.”

The Buddha said, “Look, we have no hospitals and no health care up here, we can’t take care of all those sick souls — take the shots.”

Agreeing with him, Confucius said, “No one works in Heaven, who will take care of all the sick souls?”

Satan agreed saying, “Look, we’ve got plenty of work to do in Hell. Work, work, work, it never ends. Someone has to shovel the coal and stoke the fires, and if they’re sick they won’t be able to work.” The Archangel Michael, Cherubs, and the Devil’s Minions all agreed the work must be done.

Saint Valentine, also known as Cupid, agreed stating, “Look, I’ve got plenty of arrows and I know how to use them.” Brahma, Kaminokaze, Atingkok, Arsinoë II, Hina, and others all concurred.

The Báb added, “We Baháʼí have always believed in science — we just don’t get why the rest of you don’t.”

Oden, Thor, Frey, and dozens of gods and goddesses all stood in agreement, voting unanimously to keep anti-vaxers in Purgatory forever. Mbaba Mwana Waresa, the Zulu goddess of fertility and beer pleaded, “If you won’t do it yourself then do it for the children. Don’t make me cut off your beer.”

An attractive woman driving a Mercedes stopped to tell reporters, “I followed the word all my life, raised my children to believe, and never had sex outside of marriage. Why should I have to suffer?”

A man on roller skates said, “Look, these guys don’t play up here. If Saint Peter says you will spend eternity on roller skates then that is what you do. I’m just happy it’s not uphill both ways.”

Jehovah was unavailable for comment when this article was posted.

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