Approaching 30, Millennial Accepts Fate, Embraces Life of Mediocrity

Recognizing his successes early in life will never translate to adult success, Stephen Johnson, 29, applies for middle management.

Nearly 8 years after his university commencement, local Millennial Stephen Johnson has fully committed to giving up his childish dreams of success and tossed his hat in the ring to become the latest senior agent at his firm to ascend to the middle-management ranks by becoming a Team Lead.

Despite his wild success in secondary school, Johnson was unable to maintain that momentum throughout college and into his professional career, and after swimming upstream toward his dream of becoming a success in life for close to a decade, he has decided to give his body up to the current and flow toward the bay of lower middle-class suburban desperation.

Stephen Johnson smokes a hand-rolled cigarette contemplating where it all went wrong.

“I was sitting in my living room one day assessing which bill to pay late in order to cover my student loan debit, and it finally clicked,” Johnson, who holds a B.S. in History, said. “I wouldn’t have to stress like this if I strived for a promotion that comes with a pretty baller 8% raise over my current $32,000 salary.”

“Sure, I’ll move from hourly to salary and actually drop my average hourly wage due to the heavier workload,” he added, “but at least my Verizon bill will always get paid on time.”

Though Johnson is well positioned for the potential promotion, he will have to compete with his coworker Sarah, who has known their manager since middle school and occasionally dogsits his Boston Terrier.

“It might be tough to beat out Sarah in the interview process,” Johnson said, “but my numbers are much better than hers, as are my work ethic and rapport with customers.”

“I’m really confident.”

UPDATE: After publication, Johnson was informed that Sarah was chosen as the next Team Lead.