Leaking My Memos; February 22, 2017

The Power of Perception

As ridiculous as it may seem at this very moment, I truly believed that I was dying just a few days ago. And although I still feel like shit, there’s a tremendous amount of relief currently flowing through my body. The power of perception shook my soul, ravaged my body and exhausted my mind. Death was hours away, nobody knew but me, I was overcome with unbelievable sadness, embarrassing shame and unrelenting concern for the chaos that I was about to leave behind for Mary and Jessica. Endless concerns were rattling in my head; Did we have enough life insurance? Should I ask my friends to look after them? Would they forgive my selfishness and gather themselves to go on and live long, adventurous lives? Thankfully all of this concern can be postponed for now. I feel really stupid about my dramatic self diagnosis, but at the same time I know that I'm not out of the woods so any relief may only be temporary.

Besides the enormous guilt that has weighed me down for weeks, I'm also extremely gratified with what I learned about my personal integrity and discipline during my self imposed death sentence. Over the past thirty years I've been fortunate enough to acquire as much needed wisdom required in order to strip away the suffocating layers of bullshit silencing my spirit and soul. Little by little I’ve deleted, discarded and successfully scrubbed the mental and spiritual crutches from my core. Whether its religion, politics, cultural tribalism, conventional ethics or common moralistic standards; all totally have been totally wiped away. And my perceived looming demise put it to the test and my integrity stood tall in the face of the ultimate inward reflection. When I faced hopelessness, I never once thought of religion, god, heaven, glory, belief or an answer to why me. All I sought was peaceful stillness and silence.

The entire experience cemented my existence as an adult, an independent participant, free expresser, critical thinker. For good or bad, I've never been a part of any system of belief, cog of a machine, tool of corrupt conveyers or deliverer of comfort to conformity. I have no need to be a part of a group, team, party or culture. My only goal of recent inspection is to remain free, independent, unshackled by belief and untethered to popular style and fashion. There's an undeniable unique romance associated with an independent fearless soul marching to the beat of his or her own drum, while facing unavoidable gloom and doom. At that moment of reckoning, wiser for the time, those who value deep intelligent analysis over blind faith or carbon copied belief, find themselves at the epicenter of truth. And what a beautiful elevation to which to rise, where falsities of belief, opinion, pride, patriotism, heritage and judgement cease to exist.

Perception caused me to lose my vision of living on the run, my mission to recreate the adventurous life of a pseudo vagabond was crushed. Although my questionable diagnosis doesn't seem to be fatal, my life is still on hold, suffocating from self doubt and mounting concern. Hopefully I’ll be able to muster up enough focus, concentration and mental toughness in order to begin a trip on the road to recovery. Until then I have enough bull shit to keep my mind temporarily distracted. With time I will drag my failing physicality along this purposeful journey of a raw spirit.

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