Yesterday, in my first blog post, I mentioned that I may use this space to write about literally anything. Well, lady and gentleman reading this, today is that day.
You may have seen in the news the past few days, besides awkward hand-holding refusals and fat-jokes made at the President of the United States’ expense by the Pope*, that a confidential transcript of Trump’s conversation with President Rodrigo Duterte of the Philippines was leaked. Believe it or not, several more of the transcripts of Trump’s conversations with world leaders have been leaked… to me. (Thanks, Vice President Pence.) Without any further introduction, here are 100% real conversations our President has been making from the Resolute Desk.
DT: Hello, Mr. Prime Minister.
JT: Mr. President, hello.
DT: I know what you did, you son of a bitch.
DT: That’s right, you Snowy Sack of Shit. I saw the replays.
JT: Donald, I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.
DT: Oh, so you’re gonna try to act like you didn’t see Fox and Friends this morning?
JT: Donald, I spent the whole morning reading briefings and taking meetings with my cabinet officials.
DT: Oh. Well, Fox and Friends ran a great segment, fantastic, really, about how you tried to win the handshake with me. They kept showing videos of it! Let me tell you something, Mr. Polar Bear, nobody shows up to my house and tries to win a handshake. I’m the best handshaker in the world! Many people tell me I have big, beautiful, strong hands. Just ask Putin — he loves them! Um… I mean, you’re a loser! Total loser!
DT: Angela, so nice to talk to you.
AM: Hello, Mr. President.
DT: Angela, I just got back from Israel, great place. I visited Yad Vashem, great museum, really fantastic, and I left the most incredible note. The press, they’re talking about the note I left. Have you ever heard of them talking about someone leaving a note? It’s because I rate. Trump rates. In fact Roger Ailes once told —
AM: Mr. President, why have you called me? I am very busy.
DT: Oh, right. Well I visited Yad Vashem, you know, and I heard some pretty rough stuff there. Really nasty. You know, about the Germans, Hitler — who, really, wasn’t such a bad guy, he just had bad people working for him — and they’re killing, and they’re killing. Is this true? I mean, really rough stuff.
AM (looks to aides to make sure she’s not being prank called. They check. She isn’t.): Well, yes, Mr. President. An evil, authoritarian fascist named Adolf Hitler rose to power in Germany many decades ago, and committed many atrocities. He stoked anti-immigrant and minority sentiments, took away the free press, and jailed and killed anyone who disagreed with him. This is not even to mention the tens of millions of innocent people he had killed because of their religion or ethnicity.
DT: Right. Tough, very tough. Say, do you have this Hitler’s number?
DT: Yes, hello, Madame President.
HC (checks number calling her. Sighs.): Oh, Christ. Yes, Donald, hello. We’ve gone over this and I’m not the President, you are, remember?
DT: I know, but please.
DT: Please, Hillary. This life isn’t for me. In my old life, I could golf whenever I want and not have Glenn Thrush and Maggie Haberman up my ass! I could have my hand slapped away by my wife, or any woman! Shit, I could even talk to the Russians whenever I wanted and share secrets with them! And nobody would care!
HC: Donald, if you hate this life so much, why’d you even choose to run for President?
DT: It was Putin… he was just… he’s so persuasive.
DT: You hang up first.
VP: No, you hang up first.
DT: Hello, I’m looking for the former President of Kenya?
BO: Ha ha, very funny Donald.
DT (nervous smile disappearing from his. Stoically pleads.): Please take your job back.