Bulls Hit: vs Brooklyn 4/12

Bulls 112 Nets 73

I don’t usually do this, but before I even sat down and turned the game on, I’d already thought of my opening line of my post following the Bulls’ inevitable blowout of the Nets.

Here it is: The United Center must have double-booked the Nets’ seat, because they got their ass beaten and dragged out yesterday.

Pretty good, right? Hilarious, topical, slightly controversial. But in this case, the only thing that was dragged out and beaten was my confidence in the Bulls. This isn’t the first time this season I’ve had a reaction like this. In fact, the only thing that has died and risen again more than my confidence in the Bulls is Kenny McCormick.

So the Bulls looked terrible. Thing is, the Nets looked even worse. I don’t know if the Bulls had their champagne showers in the lockerroom before the game or what, but they just played like shit. Wade had six turnovers in just 22 minutes, confirming for me once and for all that he’s definitely not on performance enhancing drugs. And if he is, he needs some new ones. Maybe he should hit his boy Lebron up.

Nikola Mirotic went 3-for-12 from the field, including 2-for-8 from three. While he recorded three steals as well, the Bulls really need him to play well in the playoffs.

Thankfully Paul Zipser, the man known as the immigrant who took proud-American Dougie McBuckets’ job, played exceptionally well. Zipser shot 61.5% from the field on 13 shots, including an unrepeatable 5-for-7 from behind the arc. I’m glad he was able to recognize the gravity of the situation and make damn sure that people recognized that the Bulls’ no-names are better than Brooklyn’s no-names.

I wrote yesterday that the Nets resting their players is like downgrading the Bulls’ opponent from a JV team to a freshman team, but the Bulls have a tendency to make regular freshmen look like freshmen at the X-Men Academy. This was true to a certain extent, but this game was also like the plot of Space Jam, except the Looney Tunes were without Michael Jordan played and the Monstars without the skills of Shawn Bradley, Charles Barkley, Patrick Ewing, Muggsy Bogues, and Larry Johnson. In other words, a team comprised of a cartoon rabbit, duck, Tasmanian devil, chicken, and bald hunter with a speech impediment against five twelve-inch aliens.

When the Bulls were missing their jumpers and generally looking hapless in the first quarter, I was going crazy: just give it to Robin Lopez inside or force Jimmy Butler inside and just dunk all over them. It’s like a dad playing against his son: just overpower the little shit! It’s not that hard! Back his ass down and lay that shit in. Rather, Lopez had four shots in 23 minutes. But he did shoot six free throws, which is pretty good.

Two last thoughts: the Nets’ coaches dress very well. Seemingly every other coaching staff in the league still wears normal suits, but these guys wear tight-fitting suits. They look good. Brooklyn style, baby.

Lastly, the Celtics should really send the Nets a gift basket or something. (What would be in a Boston gift basket? Chowdah, tea, deflated footballs, white people?) But seriously. The Nets are the gift that keeps on giving for the Celtics. Last season the Nets had to give the Celtics their draft pick, which was the third overall pick, because they traded it to them back in 2013. This year Boston also gets Brooklyn’s pick from that same trade. Thing is, that pick has a 25% chance of being the number one pick in the draft. They also get next year’s Nets pick from, you guessed it, that same trade. I’ll quote the POTUS here. (Kill me.)

But the Nets also lost to the Bulls, which benefits the Celtics immensely. If the Nets had won and the Heat had won, the Celtics would have had to play the Heat in round one. While the Celtics beat the Heat all four times they played this year, the Heat are on an absolute tear. That would’ve been an absolute slug fest. But instead they get the Bulls, who they should beat easily. Damn.

But still. Go Bulls. Playoffs baby!!!!!!

Thanks for reading, mom and dad.