Last Day

“Last Day” means one of three things:

The great song by Biggie and The LOX.

The final day of something bad: school, parole, prison sentence.

The last day of something good: summer break, vacation, bachelorhood.

The last day of the NBA season is a combination of the last two things on this list. The final day of something bad is inherently a good thing. Why? Well because a bad thing is coming to an end and the final day is the last day of that bad thing. This means that whatever follows that bad thing is probably a better thing.

Conversely, the final day of something good is inherently a bad thing. Why? Well, because a good thing is coming to an end and the final day is the last day of a good thing. This means that whatever follows that good thing is probably a worse thing.

What makes the last day of the NBA season so special is that it doesn’t fit into either one of these two categories. The NBA season (usually) is a good thing, so the last day should be a bad thing, right? Well, not really. The last day of the NBA season leads into something even better, the NBA playoffs. So it’s a good thing leading to an even better good thing, and the last day signifies this transformation.

Alas, for some teams, though, the final day of the NBA season is merely the final stop on a train of pain and misery (but the last day is still a good thing because they no longer have to watch their team play). To them, the season is a prison sentence. They’re trapped and there’s no way to escape. The NBA Lottery and Draft could signal some potential for release, like a parole hearing, but the odds are long.

Teams like the Suns have a high chance of securing parole and being released. Their fans have some sort of hope: they’re guaranteed a top-five pick in a loaded draft. The Suns were in jail for pot possession or fleeing the scene of an accident. They should be granted parole without much fuss.

Teams farther down the totem have slimmer and slimmer chances of knocking it out of the park in the Lottery, so they’re the attempted-murderers, car thieves, purse-snatchers, or career criminals whose families have learned not to hope for escape: the Knicks obviously fall into this category.

The Lakers are like O.J. Simpson, if he ever gets a parole hearing. He’s a celebrity with a small chance of escape (they only keep their lottery pick if it falls in the top 3, which has odds around 25%) just by virtue of being famous. Otherwise they’re stuck for awhile.

The Nets are the Charles Manson of the league. They’re not getting out anytime soon.

For the rest of the league (read: good teams), the Last Day is exciting and stressful and potentially joyful while also potentially miserable. Some teams are already locked into playoff spots, while some are still fighting. The last day also sometimes features the final games of retiring superstars.

Last year, for instance, the last day of the season included a 60-point farewell game from Kobe “I’ve never made a pass in my career so why would I start tonight” Bryant. The Golden State Warriors also made history by recording 73 in-game, “accidental” nut-kicks in a season. (Editor’s note: it was actually 73 victories in a season, not nut-kicks. They broke the nut-kick record before the final game of the season.)

The year before was the similar: the day featured a Spurs’ loss to the Pelicans which dropped them from the two seed all the way to the six seed, which had major implications for second-greatest game seven in recent playoff history.

This year, however, is a completely different story. This year is like Star Wars Episode I. Everyone expected the best, and why wouldn’t they? The previous Star Wars films were dope and the lead-up was just as dope. In fact, the lead-up caused internet traffic on porn sites to drop like never before because nerds could whack it to dope teaser posters like this instead. Everyone was so damn excited and eager that they were lining up in front of theaters weeks and weeks in advance to catch a glimpse of the biggest movie event of their lifetimes.

Except it ended up sucking.

So that’s what this year is: a great lead-up with terrible results. People were creaming their jeans in anticipation of the Pacers perhaps dropping all the way from the seven seed to out of the playoffs and the Bulls fighting for their lives against a surprisingly-frisky Nets team, only to be left with collective turquoise testicles.

It’s official, this last day is going to be the worst last day ever. And the Atlanta Hawks are Jar Jar Binks and the Charlotte Hornets are George Lucas: they ruined it for everyone.

Atlanta is merely a creation of what Charlotte gave them. Charlotte created this monster. Last night they opted to play Nic Batum (arguably their second-best player) only 10 minutes and not play Kemba Walker (their best player). This strategy is obviously smart: why risk injuries in a meaningless game? But I can still blame them for handing the Hawks a 27-point victory.

Here’s what has transpired since I wrote the definitive guide to the last day of games for the 2016–17 NBA season, noting all of the possibilities and the intriguing matchups for the day.

As mentioned, the Hawks defeated the Hornets, which locked them into the five seed.

The Hawks clinching the five has also locked the Bucks into the six seed, who will now rest their guys tonight against Boston. Thus, Boston will likely roll them on their way to the one seed.

Now that the Hawks’ playoff position is secured (they’ll be playing the Toronto Raptors in round one), it is very unlikely that they’ll play any of their starters in today’s game against the Pacers. If the Pacers win this game — which is anything but a foregone conclusion, considering that Atlanta’s cast of understudies skewered the fully-operational Cavaliers last week like a sow in Lord of the Flies — they slot in at the seven seed.

The Nets also announced that they will not bring any of their starters to the game, which is like saying that instead of playing a JV team the Bulls will instead play a freshmen team. Thing is, even if the Nets are the equivalent of high school freshmen, the Bulls make them look like freshmen from Xavier’s school for gifted youngsters.

These recent developments are especially frustrating for Miami fans, which is tough because I don’t know anyone that feels one iota of any sympathy for Miami fans: you live in fuckin’ Miami and Lebron James ditched his high school girlfriend for you. So fuck you Miami fans. You don’t even show up to games until halftime. Fuck you. Your front office refused to pay Dwyane Wade, forcing him to go to the Bulls which fucked them this season. Fuck you. I hope you still win so it’s especially painful, which you probably will because, since Washington has clinched the four seed, they most likely won’t play their guys. Fuck you.

So if everything I just listed goes according to plan (Pacers, Bulls, and Heat all winning; or if they all lose), here’s the playoff seeding order in the Eastern Conference:

1. Boston Celtics
2. Cleveland Cavaliers
3. Toronto Raptors
4. Washington Wizards
5. Atlanta Hawks
6. Milwaukee Bucks
7. Indiana Pacers
8. Chicago Bulls

If the Pacers lose, though, here’s how it will look (assuming the Bulls and Heat still both win)

1. Celtics
2. Cavs
3. Raps
4. Wiz
5. Hawks
6. Bucks
7. BULLS BABY
8. Heat (fuck you)

If the Bulls and Pacers lose, while the Heat win:

1. Leprechauns
2. Lebrons
3. Canadians
4. Gandalfs (Gandalves?)
5. Atlanta has a team?
6. Things you shoot in the forest
7. Heat (fuck you)
8. Pacers

Make sense?

Bulls fans: Cheer for the Bulls and against the Heat (which should already be second-nature.)

Thanks for reading, mom and dad. I’m sorry for swearing.