My Penis Ruins Everything
Well, it happened: you touched my penis and now there’s less of you.
I’m not really sorry. You deserve it, really. Remember what you did? Remember when you tapped my car because you can’t parallel park to save your stupid life? Remember when we were screaming in each other’s faces and I told you to suck my dick? Well, there you have it. My penis is your punishment.
It’s my punishment too, if it’s any consolation. My penis frightens me. I scream at the sight of it every morning in the shower. It is my burden to bear, a burden that I lessen by spreading it around to people that I basically don’t respect.
It’s scientifically proven that 0% of women enjoy or seek sex for its own sake, that they just use sex to get what they want, so it’s important to make sure that they get nothing otherwise they win and you lose. Remember that men are ultimately the most oppressed people of all time, no question. Having a penis means that you’re constantly at war and that you’ll definitely lose unless you heed my timeless wisdom.
There are some women and (worse) some men who have some weird brain disease where they enjoy penises, and they make me sick. I vomited twice just writing that out. I also vomited a third time on my penis when I took off my clothes to get clean, and now I’m also crying.
Anyways, those clothes have been burned and I took a huge shower with the lights off, so now I’m ok. My penis now lies clean and coiled and ready to strike, like a snake, which is badass.
I am the vanguard of the dark enlightenment. I see things that cowards with their tiny souls are too broken and decadent to behold. I am surrounded by women who have touched another penis and as such are used up and worthless, which is why I’m alone.
Someday I’ll find some virgin soil in which to plant my seed. Someday I’ll find a way to make them all recognize me for the god that I am; there has to be a way. That’s just nature, and I alone know nature. Because of this there’s one thing I know for sure: no matter what, no matter how hard the rest of them struggle, History itself is ultimately, finally, on my side alone.
this is satire, folks
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