A letter to the light that shines through my darkest times.

How are you? Have you eaten yet? Is your asthma getting better by now?

Hey, two days from now is your 20th birthday. How are you feeling? Are you excited for it? I’m sorry, I said I won’t come to your birthday. Probably I won’t. What an ungrateful piece of shit I am, after all you’ve done for me. It’s not because I don’t want to see you. After what happened today I don’t have the guts to see you. I’m too low for you.

You always said that I’m the one who saved you from your illness. You always said that probably you won’t see your 20th birthday if it wasn’t for me. But you’re wrong. I’m doing nothing. It’s your will power that makes you as alive as you are now. In fact, I only make your life harder than it should. I’m sorry I always make you unhappy. Sometimes I wish you didn’t meet me so you wouldn’t be hurt. I don’t like if you’re being hurt, and I want to kill myself if I’m the source of that pain.

I didn’t save you back then, but one thing I know for sure is you saved me. You save me in a lot of ways you wouldn’t be able to imagine. Remember how I cried so hard when the first time you said “I’m proud of you,” that night? You’re a lot of my firsts, including that. You’re the first person I’ve ever loved this much and the first person who ever loved me that much. You’re the one who will hug me and ask, “How was your day?” at the end of a day. Yes, something no one ever do to me, not even my parents. You showed me how to be kind to others and to help those in need. You take care of me when I’m sick. You’re like the less-rich-batman for me. My personal less-rich-batman.

You showed me what a gentle person you are. You love your family so much that my chest hurts of jealousy. Not that kind of jealousy. The kind of jealousy because I never have things like that in mine. You showed me what a lonely person you are deep inside, despite the laugh that always plastered to your face or the corny jokes you always tell everyone from time to time. I always find all of that beautiful and I wish you will always laugh like you usually do.

However I’m 90% of the reason that made you cry. I hurt you so many times in a lot of different way. I hate myself for always hurting you that I want to kill myself. If we fight, I always run away and makes you worried. I’m an ungrateful piece of shit. Despite how hurt you are, you always try to reach out to me and mend things between us. You will still hug me despite all the pain and troubles I’ve caused you. In the end you will be the one who smiled first despite the tears running down your face. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

I hope you will always find happiness. If in the end we weren’t meant for each other, I hope the right girl will always makes you smile like you always makes me smile. Be happy, alright? That’s my only wish, for you to be happy.


Your ungrateful little kitty

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