Part 3…

I just read this piece and while it didn’t live up to what I hoped, there was one paragraph that was terrific. “WRITE, CREATE, SMASH SOMETHING” — so I wrote.

I hoped this piece would help me take a step forward towards sharing what I hope one of the ways I can contribute and help others — helping entrepreneurs deal with bi-polar2 / depression issues and how to look past that to make their businesses more valuable and stable for their stakeholders… The post didn’t get there, but I liked the WRITE paragraph, and thought it was a good a time as any to write another post…

Following up on my last post “Mistakes”… I wrote a letter to my ex-girlfriend expressing my remorse, regret, sadness, and lonliness. While I knew she was a fantastic girl, when she responded that she was with someone… it was “finish the vodka” time. I let out a sound that was primal and between a hysterical woman whose child died on a Lifetime movie and what I imagine the sound you would make with a horse trampling your chest. I talked to my mother and best friend. And while I know they were trying to point me towards the positives in my life, I knew it wouldn’t work. No one fully knows the depths of my depression, regret, and frankly that I am stubborn to wallowing about my past mistakes. At least she accepted the apology I made.

I want her to be happy and feel like a stone. Selfishly — I hope to see her, talk to her, and revive our relationship to help me out of this dark place. Selflessly — she should stay away and I hope she never looks back. Nonetheless, I poured my heart through word to try to convey my emotions. In the ultimate hail mary of desperation to regain a connection with her and her trust, affections, and support I suggested she meet me at the restaurant where we had our first date and recent anniversary dinner… I do not expect her to show as she is in a good place — but with four inches of vodka in me and tears in my eyes and no other creative juices or ideas flowing from me, it was the best I could come up with.

I have envisioned my suicide for weeks since my birthday a few weeks ago. I even wrote a will and testament and purchased a funeral, among of other steps to organize my life and affairs before they are dropped into my parents lap.

Thus far, from my experience, I would suggest that you only share your darkest thoughts if there is a real chance of pursuing therapy, medication, and are willing to make great efforts to improve your life. Confessing your plans and thoughts is toothpaste that can’t be put back in the tube.

“This weighs on me 
As heavy as stone and as blue as I go 
I was just wondering if you’d come along 
To hold up my head when my head won’t hold on” — Stone by Dave Matthews

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