010: On not finishing anything

One of the things my dad told me that got stuck on replay on my head is, “You don’t finish anything.” I was around 10 years old then and wanted to take up drum lessons. True enough, I stopped attending drum lessons after a few sessions. I think he told that to me out of frustration, since I tend to jump from one idea or dream to the next.

Until now, whenever I feel like giving up on a project or want to start something new, I’d hear his voice like an echo in my brain. Sometimes it’s like a guiding light, motivating me to finish strong at all costs to prove it wrong. It also becomes a monster lurking under my bed, who appears when I least expect it and makes me nervous with anticipation. Most of the time, it’s a default excuse for my failures.

Even if I have forgiven my father for saying that to me (and I pray that my children could be as forgiving when I say something to them that will be glued to their being), it still reverberates inside my guts. Somehow, throughout the years, I’ve learned to turn the intensity down or up depending on the situation. When I know it’ll help or not. But it’s always there and I think it will always be.

We all have these inside of us, whether a parent told us or some other influential person. It’s different for each person. For some, it’s “you’re not good enough” or “you can never be beautiful like her.” It could drive us to prove it wrong or it could dishearten us if we believe it enough.

You’re lucky if you’re aware of It but what if you’re not? Would you want to find out what it is or would rather live in ignorant bliss? Sometimes I wonder how I’d be like if I didn’t know. I guess I never will and I’m fine with that.

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