Have you ever missed a deadline by 37 years? No? Then it’s time to up your procrastination game.

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Why write when you could just not?

Nobody hated writing more than Dorothy Parker, the wisecracking Jazz Age satirist.

“The longer she sat at her typewriter, the more paralyzed she became,” writes Marion Meade in her definitive biography, Dorothy Parker: What Fresh Hell Is This?

We’ve all been there, banging our heads against the wall when the words just won’t come.

But it’s time to up the ante!

Here’s how to procrastinate bigger and better than ever before, with some procra-spiration from the queen of not-writing herself.

“I hate writing, I love having written.”

This quotation is often attributed to Dorothy Parker, although there’s no solid proof she ever said it. Nevertheless, she would have agreed with the sentiment. …

This broom is for flying N*O*T sweeping

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In this day and age, you’d think witches and warlocks would share equal responsibility at home. But studies show that even now, witches still do 75% of all household spells and warlocks only 25%.

Twenty-five percent! As a witch, I am incensed.

But it’s true. I see it with my own warlock, Doug. Don’t get me wrong. Doug is an amazing warlock. He feeds my ravens and tends the herb garden and always squeegees the altar after a ritual sacrifice. But somehow, I still end up doing the brunt of the magic.

Here’s an example. I’ll order a recipe box from Black Apron, and Doug and I will cook it for dinner. I’ll suggest we wash the cauldron before we go to bed. And he’s all, no, no, leave it to soak. But then I’m up at the crack of midnight thirsty for a matcha latte, so who ends up casting the scrubbing spell? …

Declining brick-and-mortar stores: A Great Place to Cry!

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I forgot my happiness coupon.

Feeling as abandoned as your local mall? As empty as a plaza parking lot? We, the brick-and-mortar retailers of America, understand your anguish — and we’re here to help. Come on down to your nearest big box store and shop the pain away.

Because life is sad. But declining foot traffic is even sadder.

Bed, Bath & Back to Bed

Major depressive disorder got you down? At Bed, Bath & Back to Bed, you can buy a weighted blanket, a cozy bathrobe, and another weighted blanket. …


Bizzy Coy

Writer. Funnyperson. Hiding in the Catskills. The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Splitsider, more.

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