I’m Just a Guy Who Owns Golden Showers Bath & Kitchen Showroom

January 11, 2017

I’m telling ya, it’s tough out here in the bathroom and kitchen remodeling industry. Prices for materials keep going up. Foot traffic keeps going down. And the HGTV DIY culture means more people want to install their own sinks and cabinets instead of hiring a professional. (Good luck with that, buddy!) I’ve tried to gimmick things up to bring in the customers, but boy, business sure has been slow down at Golden Showers Bath & Kitchen Showroom.

Until today.

I came in early this morning, and Karen almost knocked me over. “Karen,” I said, “buy a guy a drink first!” I’m always saying funny one-liners like that.

“I never seen nothing like this before,” Karen said, pushing me over to the computer. She was in such a rush, she didn’t even laugh at my good joke. “Our website got three million hits overnight. Look!”

I’m telling ya, I almost dropped my coffee right there on Gilligan’s Kitchen Island. Golden Showers got three million hits? That must be some kind of mistake. But no, there it was in black and white, right there on the website analytics page that Karen’s always telling me to use.

“This is great news,” I said. I think the most hits we’ve ever gotten in a day is, maybe, seven. This was, like, a hundred times more than that. At least. Then, the phone rang.

“Golden Showers, this is Karen. Yes, this is Golden Showers. Can I help you? Hello? Hello?”

She looked at me. “They hung up.”

“I don’t know about you, but I have a pretty good feeling about today,” I said. “Three million hits! We’re bound to pull in some big orders.” I immediately started tidying up the place, but no sooner had I started dusting the Oscar the Grouts display than the phone rang again. And again. And again.

“Golden Showers, this is Karen. Please hold.”

“Golden Showers, this is — ”

“Golden Showers!”

I tried to help, but I never got around to putting in that extra phone line Karen’s always after me about. The ringing was so loud and so constant, I could barely concentrate on alphabetizing the Farrah Faucets.

“Karen!” I yelled. “Are you okay?”

“They’re saying vulgar stuff!” she shouted back. “This is fun!”

That’s when I saw some kids out front. You know the type — no-good, school-skipping, wiseacre kids. They were taking pictures of the storefront with their phones, making silly faces, stuff like that. Then one of them unzipped his fly and pissed on our front door while giving his friends a thumbs-up. I had just about had it! Where do kids get this sense of disrespect? I banged on the glass and they giggled and ran away. Dumb kids.

As they high-tailed it out of there, a news van pulled up. Then another. Then another. Soon, our town’s entire television brigade was in the Golden Showers parking lot: WROC, WHEC, WHAM, WUHF, even WXXI.

“Sir, sir!” The reporters came at me with their microphones and TV cameras. “What do you think about the golden showers dossier? Has it affected your business? Will you change your store’s name? What do you have to say to the president-elect?”

Well, I didn’t know what on earth was going on, so I told those media types they either had to buy a custom Saved By the Backsplash or they’d have to leave the premises.

It took a few hours, but the hoopla eventually died down. And, after all that, we only made one single sale today. Some pompous jerk called up and ordered our Golden Girls bathroom special — that’s 100% gold toilet, tub, tile, the works. It was just a silly marketing idea I had, and I never thought a customer would be so stupid as to want it, but this guy said he’s moving into an old white house and he wants to spruce it up. Hey, business is business down here, so I wrote him up an estimate and we’ll see how it goes.

What a day, I’m telling ya, what a day. The important thing is, nobody found out about the secret, sensual pee-parties we hold in the basement. Golden Showers Bath & Kitchen Showroom will live to see another day.


Bizzy Coy is a humor writer who contributes to The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Splitsider, The Establishment and The Higgs Weldon. Sign up for her Tinyletter, “Bizzy In Your Box” or hang out with her on Twitter @bizzycoy.

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