Mike Pence Wins the “Hamilton” Digital Ticket Lottery

November 20, 2016

Golly, so many top secret emails to wade through today. My Gmail is positively overflowing. Wait, what’s this?

“Dear Mike Pence, Congratulations! You have been selected as a winner of the official ‘Hamilton’ digital ticket lottery.”

Oh.

My.

Gosh.

I can’t believe I, Vice President-elect Mike Pence, won “Hamilton” tickets. Hey, Karen! Put down your towel charms for a minute and get a load of this! After 291 days of trying and failing, your husband won #Ham4Ham!

Oh, my stars. Finally, I’ll get to see my favorite musical and hear all of those incredible rippity-rap songs in person. I know I’m going to burst into tears when Eliza sings “Burn.” And “It’s Quiet Uptown”! Let me tell you, it might be quiet uptown, but it’s loud as hell in midtown! (At Trump Tower. Get it, Karen?) When the cast welcomes me backstage after the show, I’m going to use that line. I should write it down so I don’t forget.

I just hope none of the gays try to shake my hand.

What’s that, Karen? Donny Boy’s calling on the unsecured phone line? No, tell him I can’t see “Falsettos” tonight like we talked about. I’m taking you to “Hamilton,” baby. Front row. I’ll be able to look right into the actors’ faces, and they’ll have no choice but to look right back into mine.

Remember back when Don-Don approached me for VP? He offered us those counterfeit Craigslist tickets as a welcome-aboard gift. Golly, that was a devastating day. I’ll never forget the look of disdain in the usher’s eyes as she tried and failed to scan the fake barcode. It was definitely the barcode that she was disdainful of. Right, Karen?

Could I have bought us expensive seats to “Hamilton” months ago? Sure. We’ve got plenty of money. But I’m not one of those liberal urban elites who flaunt their wealth by supporting the arts. I’m someone the little guy can relate to. A regular Joe earning a workaday living by legislating for gay conversion therapy. I’m not fancy! I’m just like everybody else who believes you can electrocute the homosexuality right out of someone’s body.

I wonder if the cast has seen my singalong YouTube videos? Do you think they’ll ask me to come onstage and perform Lafayette’s fast rap in “Guns and Ships”? Maybe they’ll let me solicit donations after the show for Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS. It’d be kind of cute in an ironic way, because I vehemently opposed federal funding for HIV/AIDS research during my time in congress.

Karen, do you think I’m more of a Hamilton or more of a Burr?

Okay, okay, time to figure out what to talk about when we get invited to the green room. I’ll probably start out by saying how much I loved the show, and how I don’t believe in systemic racism or implicit bias, especially when it comes to police shooting deaths. I mean, this is 2016! We live in a post-”Hamilton” world! How could anyone hate someone else because of their skin color?

I should also let the Schuyler Sisters how much I detest women’s reproductive rights and women in general. Karen, don’t you agree that all women’s bodies are my business?

I’m so excited to be surrounded by an entire audience full of people who love “Hamilton” as much as I do. I’m going to walk in that door and everyone will do a double take and say: “Hey, that’s Mike Pence! He’s seeing a beloved musical — what a great guy.” There will be so much positive theatrical energy, that special tingle in the air as the lights go down and the room hushes. The room where it happens. The room where Mike Pence is. Donny-Doo is gonna be so jealous.

Karen, do you think they’ll give me a standing ovation after the curtain call, or make a speech about how I’m Making American Great Again?

You know, I like to think I won these tickets because I never gave up hope. Hope that I, Mike Pence, a lowly senator from Columbus, Indiana, could someday see Lin-Manuel Miranda’s masterpiece, live, onstage, at the Richard Rodgers Theatre, the place where, in the very same year of my birth, Gwen Verdon performed a Tony Award-winning turn as Essie Whimple in “Redhead,” a musical murder mystery that takes place in a wax museum. By golly, would you look at how far American musical theater and American politics have both come since 1959?

I’m going to be Vice President of the United States, AND I won the Hamilton lottery. This is going to be the best night of my life. How lucky we are to be alive right now.


Bizzy Coy is a humor writer who contributes to The New Yorker, McSweeney’s, Splitsider, The Establishment and The Higgs Weldon. Sign up for her Tinyletter, “Bizzy In Your Box” or hang out with her on Twitter @bizzycoy.