How To Be A Good Listener

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,” James 1:19 (NIV)

I remember when we received a new principal at my High School the beginning of my senior year. Me and my team were trying to get our Unashamed organization approved by the school and the District. We met with the principal one early morning before the school day started to discuss the vision of our organization, talk about its past successes and see the status of getting it approved. We had a productive conversation but for some reason (due to my leadership hunger and teachable spirit) I decided to ask the principal a personal question. I asked her “Mrs. Hines, what’s one of the greatest lessons you’ve learned in being a leader?” and I never forgot her response, she said “if you want to be a good leader you have to LISTEN.” Hearing that powerful and yet needed advice striked conviction in me. I’m not afraid to admit that one of my biggest weaknesses is my mouth. Sometimes I tend to talk more than I listen. I’m great at speaking but not so great at listening. That’s the #1 thing I always get in trouble about with my parents. My mom always tells me “you don’t listen… if you’d listen you’d be dangerous.” Her frustration has showed me that I personally need to work on my listening skills especially if I want to advance in my field of leadership. The truth is that not only do I struggle with listening but many of us do. Research shows that 45% of our time is spent listening, 30% of our time is spent talking, 16% of our time is spent reading and 9% of our time is spent writing. Though most of our time is spent listening to others, the average person listens at only about 25% efficiency. So in reality we aren’t really effective at listening. The problem is that we hear but we don’t listen. There’s a difference between hearing and listening. As long as you have functioning ears you’ll always hear- that’s effortless; but listening requires that we be intentional and focus. Hearing is common but listening is rare. Hearing is an ability but listening is a skill. Hearing is subconscious but listening is conscious. Hearing is involuntary but listening is voluntary. It takes nothing to hear but it requires concentration to listen. Hearing deals with the ears but listening deals with the emotions. If we want to be effective leaders we need to be effective listeners. If we want our relationships to strive (work, home, marriage, church, etc.) we need to improve our listening.

The Importance of Listening…

1. Listening Shows You Respect, Care and Value Others
2. Listening Helps You Gain Knowledge and Information
3. Listening Reduces Conflict with Others
4. Listening Allows Others To Know We Can Be Trusted
5. Listening Can Produce Insight and Inspiration For Ideas
6. Listening Provides Answers To Life’s Problems

Listening is very important because we can connect heart to heart with others, learn new things, make others feel good, it builds/saves relationships and it helps us become more creative. These are the many great things that come when we take time to listen. What are somethings that we should listen to as leaders? You can’t let everyone and everything get access to your ears. But there are somethings leaders should listen to.

Listen To…

1. GOD

We need to listen to God. The best way to have success and longevity in leadership is by following/listening to the voice of God. I always say that we need God leading us as we are leading His people. God speaks to us through His Word, His Spirit, through others, life experiences, nature, creation, etc. God is always speaking to us… but we need to take time daily to sit down and LISTEN to His small still voice.

2. Your Heart

Leaders need to listen to their hearts. Our hearts will let us know what to do. Listen to your gut. Follow your instincts. Pay attention to your intuition. God will speak to your heart and show you if something is right or wrong. Believe in yourself and don’t ever ignore how you feel about a situation. Go with your heart not with your head. Do what you know is right. The heart is usually right.

3. Wise Counsel

God’s Word tells us we need to listen to wise counsel. Stop taking advice from fools! Stop listening to people who criticize and tear you down! Stop loaning your ears to those who speak negative about you and those who speak death into your dreams! Stop keeping company with evil people! Listen to wise counsel, they will encourage you to walk in the way of the Lord and do what you’re called to do. They will give you advice you need to hear in order to stay on the right track. Seek to listen to those who have Godly wisdom.

4. Your Team

Listen to your team. You need to listen to the people that you’re leading. As a leader listen to the ideas, concerns, feedback, questions and issues of others. If you can’t listen to the people you become out of touch with the people; overall losing your ability to lead them. People want to follow leaders who listen to them and what they have to say!

Listen to GOD, your HEART, WISE COUNSEL and your TEAM!

These are the people we need to listen to as leaders. But we need to listen to everyone God places in our lives and treat everyone with respect when they are talking to us. Let’s learn how to be good listeners. How can we improve our listening skills?

How To Be An Effective Listener…

1. Give The Speaker Your Undivided Attention

Sometimes when people are speaking to us, we are physically present but not mentally present. Our body is there but our minds are preoccupied with other things. We need to give the person speaking our undivided attention. We need to get rid of listener killers. A listener killer is anything that distracts you from listening to the person talking. Common listener killers are our cell phones, TV, radio, business work, checking/replying to email, cooking, doing house routines, etc. We need to STOP everything we are doing and focus on the speaker. When we are involved with other things and not the speaker…

• It disrespects and devalues the speaker
• It makes the speaker think what you’re doing is more important than what they are saying.

Of course you may have other things going on at the moment but you can either reschedule the conversation or reaffirm to the speaker that you are hearing them. Either way whatever you’re doing at the moment can wait… it’s not as important as what the person is saying.

Tips…

• Make eye contact
• Let the person know you value them

2. If You Forget Things Easily Write Down Key Points Of Things You’re Being Asked Or Told To Do

Sometimes I forget things easily. It wasn’t that I wasn’t listening but so much happened in between what I was told and what I was already doing before the conversation transpired. If I’m having a conversation about something and it requires me to do something at a later time that I know I may forget I try and write it down. This isn’t necessary unless you’re doing a job of some sort. You don’t have to write down EVERY conversation you have with a person. Only write things down you’re being asked or told to do that you know you may forget to do later on.

Tips…

• Let the speaker know you aren’t being rude, you’re just jotting down key points and given instructions.

3. Ask Follow Up Questions

When you’re having a conversation with anyone about anything always ask questions. If you need clarity or don’t understand what’s being said, ask questions.

Tips…

• Ask the speaker to repeat anything you may have missed or didn’t hear clearly
• Repeat back to the speaker what you heard
• Sum up the conversation at the end of the conversation

4. Don’t Interrupt The Speaker

I’m really bad about this. I have a habit of interrupting people when they speak. I don’t do it in ill will. I often don’t notice myself doing it. I’ll cut someone off whenever I’m passionate about the discussion, have an immediate input or think I know where the conversation is going. I have to work on this. We cannot interrupt people when they speak…

• It’s rude
• It interrupts the speaker’s train of thought
• It shows you’re rushing them to hurry up and finish the conversation so you can get back to doing whatever you were doing. You show them that what they’re saying isn’t as nearly as important as what you were trying to do.

Tips…

• Do not change the subject
• Do not start a side conversation with someone else
• Don’t cut them off
• Allow people to finish their own sentences
• Be patient yet polite
• If you’ve heard a story, comment or joke before act like it’s your first time hearing it. Or politely say “yeah, I think I remember you telling me that.”

I know I can be a bit rude when someone tells me something they’ve already told me before and they forgot they told me already. Instead of saying “I KNOW, I KNOW… you’ve already told me.” I can be polite and refuse to interrupt.

5. Watch Your Facial Expressions

Watch how you look when people are talking to you. Don’t look bored, annoyed, disinterested, frustrated, tired or preoccupied when the person is speaking. It shows you don’t want to talk and they can’t come to you about things that interest or trouble them. As a listener always be open minded, hear the person out, don’t jump to the defense and be emphatic.

Tips…

• Watch your tone of voice
• Don’t frown but SMILE
• Focus on the speaker
• Nod occasionally saying “uh-hmm or I’m listening.”

You may not be interested in what the person has to say but don’t show it!!! Let people feel comfortable in coming to you and talking to you about things that’s on their hearts and minds. Listening is about making people feel important.

Give the speaker your undivided attention, write things down, ask questions, don’t interrupt and watch your facial expressions if you want to be a good listener.

Listening requires a lot of work and skill. No one becomes a good listener over night but over time. Listening is something you must practice at. Hearing is natural but listening takes work.

I’ve been told that there are three types of listeners in life or three levels of listening.

Three Kinds Of Listeners…

1. Passive listeners
2. Active listeners
3. Global listeners

Passive listeners know a conversation is going on but isn’t fully engaged with the speaker. They hear just enough to respond and add their “two cents”. This is the surface level of listening. They can’t really listen because they are preoccupied with other things or multitasking while the speaker is talking.

Active listeners become engaged with the speaker. There is eye contact and good body language being displayed on behalf of the listener. They’re asking questions but they are not fully engaged as the mind is focusing on the next thing to say.

Global listeners are focused on the conversation and the speaker. Eye contact is strong and body language is on point. You involve your emotions and your whole self in the conversation. The listener and speaker are in sync. You are fully engaged, all into the conversation. Listening, enjoying and even contributing.

Honestly I’ve been a passive listener which is level 1 of listening. I don’t want to be a passive listener. The goal isn’t to be an active listener. I want to be a global listener. If you’re a global listener you can be a global leader. Global leaders connect with everyone. Jesus was a global leader because He was a global listener. He took time to listen to people. If we want to be effective leaders we must be effective listeners. Now I understand why my principal told me that was the greatest lesson she learned in being a leader. Now I know why my mom gets on me constantly about listening. Because a leader CONNECTS with the people and has the right to LEAD the people he listens to. People trust and confide in leaders who listen. I know I do a lot of talking but I want to do more listening. Let’s apply this lesson today in your marriage. Apply this lesson with your children. Apply this lesson at your job. And watch things in your life DRASTICALLY change! All because you know How To Be A Good Listener.