Lessons on Lessons
I’m still innocent enough, just in my early 20's at this time of my life, but starting to immerse myself in the sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll lifestyle. I began to hang out with a group of people that were of a higher stature than what I was used to and where I came from, A.K.A. they had money. What I quickly realized is that the more money one had, the harder you could party and the wilder the parties were. This was really the life! Well, at least to little ol’ me who came from literally nothing and had never had anything.
A friend of mine introduced to me to a gentleman about 10 years older than me, we will call him Bryan. He owned the club that I used to hang out in. It was a hot part of town at that time, lots of things to do and places around. He also owned a little restaurant next door to the club so he was always in and out. Whenever I saw him he would always ask me out, but I wasn’t attracted to him and I had someone that I was madly in love with anyway. Nonetheless, we grew to be friends over time though and he spoiled me a bit, I think it was his way of trying to steal me away. Still, there was no attraction on my end so it wouldn’t have mattered if I was single. But…it was the first time a man had essentially tried to buy me. I obviously don’t mean in the literal sense, it’s far more subtle and respectable DEAR SIR! I SAID GOOD DAY! Still, the undertone was definitely there: Come with me and I’ll take care of your every need, all you have to do is the same. Sounds easy enough. If you are devoid of feelings I guess. And scruples. For me it was the feelings aspect as the mountain in my way, I was completely and recklessly (he was a bad boy who would come to treat me as you might expect from this type, but it was my type, elusively, it was my weakness) in love like I’d never known before; you can’t buy that.
Fast forward several months, my bad-boy boyfriend broke my heart in the worst way possible, at least to me, and Bryan was there for me. I was really in a bad place emotionally and had never had my heart broken before, frankly it was nearly unbearable! It was a lot like having the flu! I was aching, stomach upset, can’t eat, can’t sleep, just lay huddled in a ball for days (my case was weeks, I feel more deeply and hurt more deeply than others I believe) with a red, stuffy nose wishing my life would end already. I never even bothered to go to work. Or call. I just wasn’t present in any way, for anyone, anywhere, for weeks.
This was the perfect time for Bryan to get his shot with me though because I desperately needed to feel good again. Bryan had money like I’d never seen before so he kept me in supply of my drug of choice: cocaine. Cocaine made me feel amazing and like I just didn’t have a care in the world. Bryan and I would spend hours at night just doing rail after rail and talking and laying together, we never had sex at this point, I still wasn’t physically attracted to him despite how close we were. After awhile though, I sort of felt I owed it to him. He had always been there for me, taken care of me, he had gotten my bills a couple times when I was short, he supplied all our drugs and kept me with food and drinks without issue. Not to mention he had on occasion bought me flowers and gifts. I felt a bit like I was teasing him. Or using him. I truly wasn’t though, I liked him and wanted to be with him, I just didn’t love him or want him sexually. I knew that wasn’t going to cut it though, he wanted me in the worst way possible, so I had to just go on ahead and reward him. This is a critical turning point in my sexual experiences because I had never been in a position to feel as though I owed someone my body. I’d come to feel this way many more times in my life, but this was the first.
One night after we had been partying for what seemed like days, I was high as ever and a little tipsy, I hopped on top of him and kissed him. We had never even kissed before. Maybe it was the drugs, or how sweet he was to me, but it wasn’t all that bad. I certainly didn’t feel any spark with him, so it wasn’t a magical love-making experience that left me smiling and giddy like a girl in love, but it wasn’t bad. I initiated it and rode him until he came. His face was unforgettable — his eyes fading open and closed with this look of pure bliss on his face and it just made me feel so good inside to make him feel so wonderful; that’s what I enjoyed, his uninhibited other-worldly pleasure that I was providing for him, THIS made me happy.
I don’t recall being “excited” or being fulfilled by the experience, it was more of something I felt I needed to do, so it certainly wasn’t one of my greatest sexual experiences. We had a short lived relationship over-all, we had sex a few more times in the coming months but it was never satisfying to me and I often felt kind of bad after. I think he loved me. I ended up just sort of fading myself out of his life until eventually we never saw one another again.
I now knew two valuable things : sex is definitely not as good if you are not attracted to the person or in love with the person, and now I’ve opened the door to giving my body out of reward for good deeds. This was the first time, but was not the last.
