My bed, my safest yet most avoided place to be alone. Bandung

September 27, 2017

01.53 PM

I felt horrible this morning. And so i decided to not go to campus. I felt that i didn’t want to meet anyone at all. In the other hand, i’m afraid that i would think dangerous if i’m alone and do nothing like several days ago.

And so i decided to continue my sleep, in a hope that it would calm myself.

But it didn’t.

My dream depicted about how i miss to be hugged. I dreamed about him spreading his arms, like he wanted to hug me. I turn around avoiding him, but he came to me. I sat, he did the same way next to me. But then i woke up.

See? Even in my dream, my desire to be hugged can’t be fulfilled. And because of that, when i woke up, i felt sad. Way more sad. I felt the exhaustion too. And so i slept again.

But the dream came over again. Two more times.

You know what’s worse? Apparently the rain poured down hard outside. It was a cold cold noon. I can’t help myself to escape from this gloomy situation. Why can’t i just sleep and dream about nothing?

I hate it when i dream about something — even a good one. Because it means my brain still works like when i wake up, so i can say that i didn’t rest if i had (a) dream(s). When i woke up, i would be as tired as before i slept.

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Speaking of dreams, i’ve had several bad dreams. Those dreams still be remembered by my brain (and heart maybe) because those are related to who i love the most — my family.

I once had dream about my father’s death, my mother’s death, even Bram’s death too. When i woke up from those, i cried and directly contact them to make sure if they’re fine.

When i told my parents about my dreams, they always told me just see it as a good sign, maybe you’ll get something good. Well it’s not that i don’t wanna amen to that (everything’s good should be ended with amen i guess), but i’m afraid. What if those dreams really happen in seconds from now? I know that people will face their death. But will i be ready to face that fact?

Especially in my current condition where i can’t even stand by my on feet.

People said if we have a dream about something, it means we unconsciously still thinking about it deeply. So in my case, I’ve had a dream about lots of bad things, including the longing of hugs, it means that i can’t escape from my own desire and fear. Even if i feel like i have forgot about those things when i did something else when i woke up, apparently those thoughts came to me in my dreams.

I can’t run.

And i hate it.

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