Tips to make Satan’s birthday more fun
Trick or treating is an American institution. And, like all institutions, it needs to be gutted and rebuilt from the ground up by people who used to work in completely different industries and have no idea what they’re doing. Me, for example. Every Halloween I turn off all the lights and hide in my refrigerator. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have some ideas that can make Satan’s birthday a little more fun for all of us.
Take the so-called “treats” for instance. Candy? Even I know that’s right out. What about little Timmy who’s allergic to fingerprints? No popcorn balls or homemade caramels for him. Instead, thrill the kids with individual snack-size baggies of air from inside your neutrally-decorated McMansion. Remember to move all of your furniture to the front living room so that the helicopter moms breathing down their kids’ necks like Darth Vader won’t know that after the first mortgage, the home-equity line and moving costs, you couldn’t afford to furnish the place. They don’t need to see the dust angel that you made on the bamboo laminate after a bottle of Skinny Girl Moscato at 2 o’clock in the afternoon.
And as for “tricks”? Let’s shift the paradigm and buy-in to a core competency that empowers us, the goddamn adults. Cull one of the smaller kids from the herd, one that looks like a crier. Show him your latest credit card statement with the interest rate underlined in fresh goat’s blood. Grab him by the shoulder and rub his face in the Pottery Barn charges while whispering “I saw the exact same thing at Wal-Mart for half the price.” If you’re feeling particularly monstrous, use your best Kim Kardashian voice to read the paragraph about how many eons it will take you to pay off the balance if you only make the minimum payments. Introduce this tender young mind to the concepts of death and taxes. Spooky fun!
And don’t forget decorations: skeletons, vampires, zombies — BOR-ring. The new bogeyman is fake news! Set up speakers and a large screen TV on your front porch and broadcast Fox News 24 hours a day for the week leading up to Halloween. [ed. note: This publication is not responsible for any ill-effects sustained from extended exposure to Sean Hannity’s belligerent hair part] For added chills, hang copies of the latest healthcare reform bill from the eaves. Invite some New Liberal friends over to stand on the front lawn and rail against exclusionary social clubs at Harvard. You’ll be the talk of the neighborhood if you aren’t already because of that ONE TIME those Girl Scouts couldn’t tell you whether their cookies were non-GMO despite repeated and inappropriately forceful questioning. Snowflakes.