Motivation is a fickle b#*@#

Especially when it’s fighting with depression for headspace.

I know, I’ve already written about how motivation is a horrible way to measure your ability to get things done — it’s all about discipline and getting up to do it anyway.

On days like the one I had yesterday, that’s a lot harder than it sounds.

Yesterday, looking in from the outside, was a good day. I went to the gym. I finished all my work in time to get paid a day early, and paid my electric bill. All in all, it sounds like a successful day, yes?

Instead of focusing on the good things I achieved, I focused on the fact that after paying my electric bill, I only had $24 left to my name.

Now, this isn’t me begging for money, even though I do end every piece with a link to my PayPal if you want to feed my writing habit — and thank you so much to those that already have!

I hyper-focused on the fact that while I’m keeping my head above water, so to speak, I just can’t manage to get ahead. And that dragged me down into a mood shift that I’m still trying to pull myself out of. Sure, it’s only been 24 hours — the joys of rapid cycle bipolar disorder — but the sooner I can get myself out of this slump the better.

Some days, it’s just not possible to get up and do it anyway. Which is why, after 17 days of religiously posting to Medium, I skipped yesterday.

I feel bad about it, in some little corner of my mind — I didn’t keep up with my goal to post every day in May, but the rest of me doesn’t care.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is depression.

It’s not just sadness. It’s apathy.

It’s staring at a blank Word page and not caring that the words that are supposed to be on it are due today.

It’s looking at the bowl of last night’s dinner sitting to the left of my keyboard and not caring enough to take it to the trash. (Not even the sink, because paper bowls and plastic cutlery.)

It’s wanting to go back to bed and curl up under my blanket — not necessarily to sleep, but just to stop moving because I’m no good at anything, so why should I bother?

It’s flipping through every playlist on Spotify, looking for something to turn my mood around and not finding a single song that sparks anything but that same damnable apathy.

I know the feeling will pass, in time. I’ll cycle back up to a manic state, and type until my fingers bleed — thousands and thousands of words of nothing but madness that probably won’t make sense when I’m not manic, but they’re there nonetheless.

Or I’ll just cycle back to a neutral state where I wait for the next upswing or downswing to put me back on the roller coaster.

For now, though — apathy is the order of the day, and motivation is fighting for enough space in my head to help me meet my deadlines today.

Just remember — this too shall pass.

Even if you don’t care at the moment whether it does or not.

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