11/29/18

Hey dad.. its been awhile since i’ve sat down and wrote one of these, and that’s a positive. I haven’t felt like I needed it, but things are very up and down in my life.

I can’t believe it’s been 3 years since I last saw you. There is so much I wish I could say.. that’s why I write these. A little bit of my brain likes to think that somehow you read these.. I can’t express in words how much I miss you… how much we all miss you. It’s still so weird to come home and not see you here. I thought eventually it would just feel normal but the hole in my life is still very visible.

As much as I would love to keep letting the emotions free I should get to the point of these letters.

College has been great thus far. I’m meeting new people everyday and its nice to finally meet people who aren’t also from this town. Whether they’re from Chicago or Cleveland or from a place like Ada in a different state. It’s just refreshing to see things from a different point of view. Recently I went on a trip to Chicago that was a success on the outside, but on the inside I started to feel the numbness of my depression start to take hold. As the weekend went on I felt it come on stronger and stronger, but in the end I threw on a mask and tried to keep it all to myself. I know that it isn’t healthy but I find it easier to just forget rather than take it all head on while on a school trip.

In my last letter I told you about how I had found the girl I wanted to marry, but life moves fast. As I write this letter I am no longer in that relationship and its kind’ve put me into limbo. I don’t like making big decisions and I think I made the wrong choice. At this point I have to learn to deal with it, but its not easy. She is still on my mind every day, but I know that I have to put it all in the past, and try to move on. I think you should know that I really did contemplate suicide for an extended period of time a couple years ago.. things were tough and I didn’t have a will to continue on. I can say with complete certainty that being in that relationship saved my life. The combination of love from her and support from her family kept me going. I will forever be grateful for all they did for me, and hope that there are no hard feelings. They truly were a second family to me. I know I will never take my own life. It all seems selfish to me, I have people that rely on me, and genuinely care about me. I don’t want any of the family to experience the pain of losing someone so close again.

I hope that the writing seminar class i’ve been forced to take has improved my writing, as the last letter was full of mistakes.. (im sure this one is rough too), and I hope you’re proud. Right now i’m figuring out if I want to take on law school, Mom is getting ready to go back to school, and Alex is still.. Alex.. Hasn’t really changed too much.

I hope my next letter will be more positive than this one was.

I love you dad

Blaine.