It’s Saturday night and I’m minding my own business, watching a few episodes of “Parks and Recreation” and generally taking it easy after staying out late the night before. I hear the text message sound on my phone. I see this.

My favorite comedian of the moment is, without a doubt, Aziz Ansari. First of all, I just started watching “Parks and Recreation” from the beginning and love it wholly and completely.

I also really love his stand-up. Unfortunately I didn’t get to see him while he was here in Chicago, but you can see some of his recent stuff on Netflix and it is great. I particularly enjoy his take on dating: “The percentage of riff raff has never been higher.”

In the words of my friend Jess, “Anything later than 10 PM on a Saturday night is definitely riff raff.”

And in the words of my favorite namesake, Blair Waldorf, “I’m not a stop along the way. I’m a destination.” When it comes to my Saturday night, Texter Who Shall Remain Anonymous:

Now, the easy (ahem, boring) response to this genre of unwanted text message would be no response at all — just ignore it completely. But “boring” is not a thing I like to be, and as soon as I saw this question appear on the screen of my phone, I couldn’t help but think of some potential answers.

1. “Plucking my eyebrows. This humidity makes them so difficult to tame! Sup with you???”
2. “Contemplating the aggression being emitted from your excessive use of punctuation.”
3. “Making out with a girl, want a pic?” (And then I would send this.)
4. (Just a link to this.)
5. “Heroin.”
6. “I LOVE YOU THANK GOD YOU TEXTED ME I WAS WORRIED I’D NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN. How are you??? Hello??”
7. “Just eating a jar of sauerkraut and scraping the dead skin off my feet. I could get ready in like ten minutes though if you want to hang.”
8. “Looking through my ex’s new girlfriend’s Instagram. I totally recognize where their new apartment is, lol.”
9. “Trying to think of cool records I can break. Check this out.” (And then a link to this.)
10. “Who dis?”

The thing is, I’m not mean, so I just said “Sleeping.”