Open Letter to Deep Sea Creatures

You’re scary. Please stay away.

Dear Deep Sea Creatures,

Don’t come up here anymore.

Just don’t.We’re frightened of you. I mean look at yourselves.

This frill shark, who likes to chill in the deep sea, died hours after being caught. Follow his lead and stay down there.

You belong way down in the depths of the ocean, where we can continue to know next to nothing about you.

You’re welcome in advance for the nightmares.

We will agree to not come down into your hood anymore if you can agree to this. To be honest, we don’t like being down there. Seeing 50 foot long worms and … are not good for our human minds.

This fangtooth is among the deepest-living fish ever discovered. It’s teeth are proportionally larger than any other fish. We don’t want to see that.

And we don’t even care that you may be coming to shore to warn us of impending earthquakes. I mean, most new structures are required to be able to withstand the shaking of the earth. Those of us who survive will live with the destruction.

Hey Pacific viperfish: NOPE.

But we can’t live with the memory of seeing you washed up on our shores.

Not a place for oarfish to thrive. Stay away.

You horrify us.

This pair of Atlantic wolffish should never get near the surface of the sea. kthxbai.

Most of us up here just saw The Martian (lots of us in 3D for chrissakes) and would rather be in Matt Damon’s situation than be anywhere near you or your scary, wet home.

We can’t do this anymore. Please stop.

Hey Vampire squid: keep your distance.

Sincerely,

The Land Dwellers

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