AOL is the invisible hand behind every hellish merger in history.

The couple that fights like cats and dogs and nobody understands their marriage — AOL introduced them. When you’re running late stressed to your eyeballs and you hear the DING! of an UberPool match in Outer Outer Richmond who will be down as soon as she’s done brining her shrimp — AOL handpicked her. AOL created Batman v. Superman and lobbied hard against macaroni & cheese.

AOL was here when you learned to ride a bike and tripped into your first kiss. AOL was here when you lost your wisdom teeth and got your diploma. And AOL will be here the day you die, laying you to rest in a “joint partnership” casket alongside your high school ex, that phone support agent from Delta, and a fully grown man whispering “please turn on Instagram post notifications…” into your decaying ear for the rest of all eternity.