Design Thinking: Step 2, Define the Problem (hint, its you)

‘To get started, design thinkers focus on five steps, but the first two are the most important. Step 1 is to “empathize” — learn what the real issues are that need to be solved. Next, “define the problem” — a surprisingly tough task. The third step is to “ideate” — brainstorm, make lists, write down ideas and generate possible solutions. Step 4 is to build a prototype or create a plan. The final step is to test the idea and seek feedback from others.’ — ‘Design Thinking’ for a Better You, Tara Parker Pope, NYTimes 01/05/2016

2. Define the Problem

I would say crying in public.

I have a sense of despair I’ve never known. I feel like a BIG FAT LOSER. I’m pretty sure my boyfriend is going to leave me, and I think I’m terrible at my job.

For far too long I’ve tried to please everyone and derive my sense of pleasure/happiness/meaning from whether or not other people were pleased.

And I got pretty good at it. Especially working in fundraising, where your job is to Give the People What They Want. So I did. And in my family I never ruffled any feathers. I always did the right thing. Pleased everyone.

And that worked up until this fall when I moved to a foreign country and the rug was pulled out from under me. I didn’t know who or how to please, or what to say (mainly because I couldn’t speak the language).

I also had the same pesky problem of defining myself by my significant other.

Like when I dated my ex-boyfriend and was incredibly pleased that he had numerous Ivy League degrees and was from Manhattan. I started to define myself by that. And then we broke up and I met my current boyfriend and suddenly my life was defined by his job, his family, his story.

Who I was, what I valued, what I knew got lost in the shuffle.

I too tread lightly on my own life, and too deeply within the lives of others.

What happens when my boyfriend is hit by a truck? Or less dramatically, we break up? Who am I? Where is the girl of 24 who wanted to be a writer and chronicle African mask ceremonies in Nigeria? Where did she go? Did she become less interested in those passions because her boyfriend wasn’t? I know what has drawn past loves to me isn’t the fact I liked the Jets or the Rangers, but that I had my own life and my own opinions.

Somehow in the past few years, that girl got lost.

I used to watch a Saturday morning cartoon about a girl who was stuck in a radio frequency: sometimes she would be fully and brilliantly there, but sometimes the frequency was bad and she was almost invisible. Just a blurry vision; an image of static.

These past few years I’ve been static. I’ve wanted to blame my boyfriend for the bad frequency, but I know I’m the only person who can turn the dial to a clearer station.

I always thought when you found that perfect person, albeit, the One, you would be effortlessly happy. I would be happy. But actually, over the past few years I’ve learned the only person (cliche alert) who can really give me full happiness, career fulfillment, and deep friendship with others is me.

Partners/spouses can do those things temporarily — I can feed off their success, friends, humor, good looks, etc., but in the end it will all be hollow because I am not fulfilling myself and my life’s purpose. I cannot derive success or happiness from anyone else’s dreams or goals (no matter how great they are).