Cloudiness Gave Sunlit
1.1 Part One
“The hardest test in life is the patience to wait for the right moment.” Jane Maati smith
Standing in a vacant dark forest wondering where to set my eyes as to find joy once again. Memories running my mind as I flashed back; All I can remember, it was in 2000 at the beginning of February when mom and dad sent me to Riverside High School in Kigali city. I always wanted to attend a boarding school in the city because many of my friends back in the village went to schools in town. At home, being cherished and honored, all belonged to me just as the last daughter because I was brilliant in school and contributed wonderful ideas for the sake of my family development. I always dreamed of becoming a neurosurgical doctor and my parents were very supportive of my dream no matter how the financial condition seemed to be at home by then. On 6th February was a day full of sunlight and wondrous moments due to the fact that Mom prepared my best dish and set me off to the city and I was escorted by Dad. On my first day at Riverside High School, I was welcomed by different kind of students as somewhere God fearing while others were gangsters. This made me conclude that the school was diverse. On a spotlight, I got a friend called Kamariza,
Who also immediately asked “What is your name too?”
I told her that, “I am known by name of Kamuri.”
At first sight, Kamariza looked elegant, tall as the sky, skinny as sunlight, and naturally beautiful that made me wonder about her. Not only that made her popular in the entire school, she was even friendly and collaborative to many students and staff members who admired her beauty and tenderness.
Kamariza was a Bishop’s daughter and her mom was also good God fearing. At school, Kamariza and I used to attend church service together, and she helped in my revision since she was in a higher class than me. We shared everything and became more close to each other as engrossing moments passed. In our free time, we loved to sing gospel songs because we all had melodious voices and all these instants made brought no regrets. When a dice is rolled, there is the possibility of either getting an even or odd number. It was at night when Kamariza was accompanying me to my classroom and we found a group four boys and stopped us. Started greeting and asking us loudly out our names in a gracious manner
“We want to be your friends,” that was their first request. Immediately, I responded to Kamariza “their friendship is worse than enmity.”
The following day, they invited us to Interact room’s discussion room in order to inform more about themselves. Kamariza was surprised to see me saying that
“I am happy because I have got new friends whom we would assist each other,”
but Kamariza wasn’t in the same mood as me due to the fact that rumors were spread in the whole school that the group was not behaving well. I told her
“friendship is not copying others behaviors,” to convince and calm her down. On Saturday, we woke up and quickly dressed up because it was a day of general cleaning in our school. Hardly had we finished, then a group of three girls came to our side asking us to follow them to the Interact Club’s discussion room where we found the boys whom we had met the previous night. We were welcomed, and everybody in the room introduced his name to us. Manzi who was the leader of the group sat next to Kamariza while a boy by names of Cyusa asked me to be free that nothing would happen. What surprised me then, they called miss lioness to serve them drugs without fear to be caught by the security guards. They gave us alcohol but none of us accepted since it was out first time although I wanted to let down Kamariza. When we went out, Kamariza was disappointed and regretted why she had accepted their friendship. But I convinced her once again that nothing will change, “we should not do what they do but rather be their friends only.” The No Limit Crew was known by every student for misusing drugs without the administration notice, but the image of the crew was a vice versa to the administrators. Step by step makes a journey, this time we were not taking a step to complete a journey but instead to letting ourselves back ward. After three months of our friendship with No limit crew, I was given a cigarette to smoke once as a sign of a trustworthy friend. I was tested for once but ended up marking the start of taking drugs in school. Kamariza always took the time to give lectures on how ignorant I was to smoke, but this never took long for her also to be engaged in the same activity. I had a strong reason to join the crew “bring a source of light”, but I was becoming dim like them. The time came, we slowly started to take alcohol and smoke cigarettes. Never took long for us to be addicted to such drugs like as crew members. One night, Keza who was also among also among the crew immediately came and told us that we were needed by other crewmates in the darkest corner near the main hall. This place was called the center of all actions that brought harm to the school. Although some security guards were hired to make the place safe from crimes, the place continued to favor sinners. On reaching there, we found that most of them were already there each holding a bottle of primus and a cigarette, gladly served us expressing joy because it was a day of victory. Cyusa came and stood nearby my side and started to grope my body just because we were all drunk, I think he used me to the extent I screamed and the security guards came to rescue. We were all in a gang bang as they found me naked that I didn’t have anything to say or know where I was at that moment. The following day, I thought I could repent or quite the crew once we weren’t taken to the disciplinary office.
The dice had rolled an odd number when I received bad news that all of us in the crew had been expelled from the school. Kamariza and I regretted having joined the crew, but memories could not be taken back. Kamariza blamed me for everything that had happened saying that “You are the one who made join the crew, smoke for the first time and changed my beliefs.”
No matter how much I tried to calm to her all seemed to be less useful to them. Later that day, Kamariza’s parents came and took her in a bouquet of tears and sorrows due to the shame she had caused the Bishop’s family. Cyusa was also wondering where to go and in few minutes his dad came and picked him with an ignoring face. My dad called that he couldn’t come because he was far and not willing to take a prostitute at his home. I was left alone and chased out of the school premises harshly.
1.2 Part Two
Helpless without a way to take because all the gates are closed, surrounded by darkness, eyes glancing with tears of embarrassment. Which way am I taking? Who will understand me? Since I knew that good enough I was warned by both parents, no one else to understand me!! Kamariza whom I took as a close friend was supported by her parents although she had completely threatened her family’s name. Cyusa whom I cherished memories with was also transferred to another school to continue his studies because his family never took the situation to be that serious. I was the only one left having fear and shame of going back to my parents. I tried to look for where to do house chores but everyone I met responded in scarce tone, “Look at yourself, too young to deal with all house chores referring that the government laws are strict on the issue.”
As I slept on the roadside trench, life became miserable, painful and hard, but suddenly one morning a good looking gentleman came to me.
“Young girl you look to be in the world of wondering”, immediately I responded with an agreement sign shaking my head up and down.
With cheerful smile, “I will deal with your issue come and escort me to my home.” Thoughtless followed him since in my life fortune was always on my side besides the challenges I faced those days. All the way, I told the gentle man my story who later addressed to me his name, “MR Jaguar” and agreed to help as to overcome the challenges I faced then. The first week together acting to be his house maid and pretended to worry about me without hot air. I Started strongly to believe his ideas and words after buying me a new suitcase with Kitenge brand clothes but memories of wonders also came, “Is he my father or uncle to buy all this?” but if not so, how come all Kitenge brand clothes are bought for me?” As to get impressed up with the subject, mindlessly and stupidly agreed with his inevitable words.
The same night, I was in a heavy sleep and I heard voices of wolves, trying to open to my eyes, a crowd of men and women drinking heavy wine, local beer and many other kind of wines that I couldn’t recognize by then. They were talking harshly words of literate animals who disrespected themselves. I tried to force myself to sleep but I failed. As they left, Mr. Jaguar came into my room since from the start I took him as a close friend due to his perfection that made me trust him at a great extent.
“Remove your night dress, do you think am your brother or savior? I am a man too who looks towards profits so immediately put off your dress” No matter how much I tried to resist, I was forced into sex as by a drank man who at the same time was talking words that were not matching as the tongue was sticking with loutish behavior.
I was forced into sex and raped mercilessly, no matter how much I tried to scream and fight instead he pulled a pillow and dumped into my mouth. No one came to rescue me, all the night my rights were violated and I was no longer moving my either part of the body. I talked slowly forcing the words to come out, I felt totally stressed and completely dismantled as the condition provoked me, he went to come out, I felt totally stressed and sleepy as a person who overworked the whole night. All I could think was “dying at this young age all my dreams were never going to become the reality.” This increased fear and feeling of abandons with in me. I promised by self to never trust people no matter how much they may seem to be friendly and helpful. When he woke up, he brought me a cup of water and pain killer tablets during my supper time with nourishing food but I eat daunting about the future.
“All my future is cursed by the ancestors”, those negative thoughts evolved in my mind. He came closer to me whispering “am sorry for what happened it was all the influence being drunk.”
I was shock with the apology.
He continued “to be with me, you cannot be save instead I will board a bus to take you Nairobi, then when you reach there my brother whom you will meet will give you a passport to take you directly Nigeria.”
Ensured that everything was secured there for a better and brilliant future. “I know my habit of taking drugs is starting to influence you because I rapped you last night.” He said. This was ensure that he had a better plan for me because he was not able to keep the promise he made while I am on his near side. He promised me that no more hurt I would face because those people either in Nigeria or Kenya were his close friends to help me have a job. I had to travel and go to Nairobi where I could have a clear path to go Nigeria.
Having no choice, made me make vigor decisions. This made me upset thinking how I could leave my life alone without a friend or relative to assist and be on my side. I spent the whole July in Nairobi waiting for my documents to be processed by a guy who came to pick from the bus park. This guy was always quiet and conservative and made me unable to even know whom he was or besides his name and address. Time came when everything was ready and I had to travel to Nigeria, the journey was fascinating and interesting due to the entertainment that was there.
Reaching Nigeria, a giant looking man came to welcome me and took me to a perfect apartment. I had never lived in such good mansion. This mansion was painted with blue and white colors, perfect room with big bed, glass cupboards, kitchen with in the room and all kind of dresses were hugged in the perfect order in the drover. This room to me represented dreams coming true. Later after two weeks, I was transferred to a matrimonial house with all human necessities and whenever I felt like having anything, I called within two minutes and all needs would be there. Besides the good life, I was forced to take drugs and alcohol at a high level in order for me to be used with them (this was mandatory). Barbra who was the mediator never talked about my job, whenever, she came to the apartment, we could just drink to our fullest and off slept in the living room.
1.3 Part three
I had a detached air about Barbra since she gave me much care. Within me, I no longer had trust for people. I remember one evening, I was walking in the mansion’s garden when my eyes met near dog’s eye and it showed enormous yawn and the cat its pleasantness had disappeared. I got a question within my head, why is the climate changing for every animal after all the care of being fed with milk and meat? Everything I saw that day made me scared. When I returned home Barbra called with a rude voice, “Kamuri, where have you been?” Figuring out what to answer immediately a slap was on my chick. “Never try to expose yourself in this city.” Entering the house, it was full of people who seemed to be having something they focused on. The house was injected by cocaine as people were drinking heavy wines and others smoked. I saw marijuana on the table and hurriedly I picked a bottle of alcohol and smoked cocaine. We had fun and later two tall and big fearless men surrounded me. I was lifted as a weightless sack and thrown on a bed. One asked me if I had come with anything from Rwanda, but unable to answer due to the deep thoughts and forced actions that were applied to me. Late with fear I answered showing fainter smile as the eyebrows were shaped like surprise check marks.
Without charity, he removed clothes saying “I hope you understand the big reason that you are here.”
Due to the heavy drugs, we had both taken that interfered us into sex. After he was done then left. I thought that I was totally free and in return I would get tremendous support. Unfortunately, another man with a vulture’s eye came and did more harm to me than the first. I was left weak and naked on the ground. All that came in my eyes were tears since I could not talk, move or scream. “I was left tied to a person who walked 1000miles with no expectation to survive,” those were my feelings by then. In my entire life, I had never felt lonely and sad compared to that time. As hours passed, I could realize that this was the end of my life.
“Who will help me, reign my life and see the sunset again?” All these thoughts appeared in my mind as sadly expressions approved. I never knew that a person may be born to be outraged by bad luck and lose all the passion for being successful in life. Lying on the same ground, I remembered the gorgeously and lovely moments at our home with the entire family and I made a comparison with the pain I experienced by then. My Brothers and sisters used to make jokes and sing, so these moments were unforgettable to me even if I faced much pain than ever. I was sent away by my parents so this acted as a barrier that prevented me from thinking to go back. All my days seemed to be empty and hopeless.
No limits crew that had taken part in distracting my future made me see vivid images of Kamariza, John, Manzi and Cyusa having our best moments together in high school. Tears rolled in my eyes and down to the chicks. Lying there, I was sure that Barbra was selling me as a sex object to those with an overdose of drugs. As assistant and maid came and started using a sponge to clean me and provided me with buffer and painkiller in order to try to recover.
He told me everything about Barbra and concluded: “never think of any success instead you will be starving to death.” Kyle bought me food and immediately I felt asleep since I was hang banded.
My whole day was painful and engrossing. The next day, a man who looked like an Arab did devilishly more harm than ever. For the one year, I lived in Nigeria, I had become useless to the world.
When Barbra entered, she never thought I was a young girl according to her age in steady she asked: “Kamuri can I offer a giant alcoholic man?” In my response, I murmured “rather get a gun and shoot me rather than spoiling my life.”
When Kyle entered later, I cried endlessly telling him to kindly save my life. He promised to use his girlfriend called Musayidiya as to report the case at the police station. I always felt dismal as all those animosity actions were performed on my body day and night.
The same actions of hurt and rape were done each day. Musayidiya replaced Kyle on the duty of being the house attendants. She always seemed to be quite and dull. One morning I was laying on my bed totally dismantled and crashed. Musayidiya came closer to me and whispered “Kamuri, you can get out of this situation if you are willing to take my hand.” These words gave me courage and made me full of life although I never knew what to do next. She left me sleeping on the bed and went outside the room.
After a while, as I gained strength, I walked slowly outside to look for her but nowhere to be found. I tried to ask one of the security guards and told me “She has already left because her working hours are over.” This made me try my level best to wait for her the next day with prepared clarifying questions on the words she had whispered to me. I waited for seven hours to see her but they seemed to be like forty hours because I was eager to see her. She came silently as usual but they never seemed to scare me at that particular moment. I welcomed her with tenderness and this left her surprised because it was her first time to see me in such good mood.
My first question was “Do you wish to call the thunder and storms in your life?” She replied with a glorious voice “I will be close and rescue your live no matter the obstacles and hindrances.” We started to make arrangements that would be taken as to ensure that all the problems would be addressed at that particular moment. Musayiduya’s close friend called Kanumba was introduced to me because she had connections with the police officers in Nigeria who would assist me with all I needed to be free from all the problems. The heartless actions continuously affected me daily but this seemed to no longer influence me so much because I felt like soon or later I would totally be free from the provoking conditions. I never trusted people anymore but because the police were involved in addressing the problem I felt a little bit safe. This never took long because after two weeks locked within Barbra’s room finally, I saw the policemen who came to interrogate secretly as to have a clear preview of what was happening. I narrated the whole story without leaving even a single side to tell. Those two policemen promised to call for help because Musayidiya was also willing to give testimony.
One morning the sun was setting on my way as Musayidiya came with policemen, and I immediately got shocked and fainted…. My mind came back when I heard the hospital doors opening with a whoosh sound. A nurse glimpsed at me and her eyes widened like recognition. Within three weeks, I had recovered and stepped outside the hospital with the Nigerian police assistance. Before I set off my journey, I went to visit Barbra at the police station where she was arrested. I offered her forgiveness but that wasn’t good enough to remove the sin in front of the court. She kept on giving me more explanations of her animosity actions in a sad voice “Drugs are the major causes of premature sex and unsafe sex.” All the words she said never strongly gave me reasons for her actions.
Musayidiya came to see me at the airport, I hauled her whispering thankful words in her ear. Lastly, I promised myself to never forget her kindness and friendship built in me, just as her name. Kyle never showed up at the airport because he was also involved in the case of drugs and sex abuse. I wrote a letter to thank him and appreciate his tenderness heart as I left it to Musayidiya to pass it over. The letter was full of the same words “you are my life savior.” I sat at the back of the airplane looking outside waving to Musayidiya because all my pain, anger, sadness and loneliness had disappeared. While I was on the airplane, I promised myself to never give full trust to the people or either misuse the opportunities that come my way. Am I going to fit in the society again? Who will understand me again? Who will support me to teach the youth community to not misuse drugs or either stop running to go abroad? My last decision was to reach in Rwanda and straight go home as to start the journey of awakening the youth.
1.4 Part four
“A man must big enough to admit his mistakes, smart enough to profit from them and strong enough to correct them.” John C. Maxwell.
After two years, a thunder of hindrance, tears of shame, humiliation from foolishness and silence would consecutively appear in my mind. Sorrow suddenly approved and there I stood no way to go, no one to cry for, announcements had been made but nowhere could I be found. East or west, home will always be the best. I searched for a way to go back home after a long time of misery. Meanwhile, I was walking near the airport I saw a trash that was full with another one empty, so I came closer as to try to gaze clearly the problem with rubbish. Reaching there, suddenly heard a voice calling “Kamariza, where have you been all the last three years!” I looked for the person calling, and I saw Manzi who was one of the old school crew. He was happy to see me again after a long time of separation. As we sat down immediately I narrated the whole story and he warmly welcomed, comforted and encouraged me to be strong. He also told how he got saved from drugs by joining a club that fought against drugs. We had a long day together and later he escorted me to the bus park. On the way, he told to join the club and be able to teach the entire youth about my experience. I didn’t say yes exactly since I needed enough time to think about the answer to respond to him, but I agreed to meet him again after visiting my parents. Where I boarded a bus to take me straight to my home village.
When I got the path that slopes to our house. I saw my mom coming towards me as if she was already informed about my homecoming by Manzi. Mum hugged me tightly and I felt the wetness of tears on my shoulder. This never moved fear in my heart because I felt like being rejected by even the soil due to the fact that I was embarrassed. As we approached our home house, my dad was lying on the bed, setting his eyes on me, shades tears of joy streamed like a river. He explained how my disappearance made him sick, “I felt irresponsible to let my daughter live.” As I sat next to him and narrated the whole shameful story and I knelt down to ask for forgiveness to both my parents. I told them one thing “People may forget what you said but they will never forget how made them fill, all I am requesting for is to accept me as your child again.” My parents welcomed back me as a child in the family again. I also asked for help from them since I was planning to join my friends in town as to fight against misuse of drugs in youth as well as human trafficking. My dad was happy to hear the news and allowed to give whatever support I needed. After four days, I called Manzi to meet me and start our new journey of awakening the young people for the sake of their brilliant future. During our first club meeting, I told them my whole story and the effect on my entire life. All members were touched, some cried and others repented their actions. From there I got many supporters to run the project of teaching young people across the country about the misuse of drugs and premature sex. This was my dream and wish after leaving Nigeria. Our plans were successfully positively influencing the youth either in schools, sector clubs and nonprofit organizations that fought against Sexually transmitted diseases and Drugs influence. We went on forming clubs in high schools and colleges known as Anti-Aids and Anti-Drugs. In July 2002, my friends convinced me in advising tone to go for HIV test due to the constant sickness and showed symptoms like fever. The result “HIV positive” and I was advised by the doctor to take the drugs as given. Right there, I flashed back my thoughts and emotional stress raised up again leaving me worthlessly. I told the bad news to my family plus all the people who were close to me by then. In 2003, my parents took me back to school to continue with my studies and be able to achieve my dream. I was taken into a new school, but this never discouraged my journey of teaching youth to be aware of their lives. I created a new club in the new school. After two years, I was about to complete my high school and met Kamariza looking unusual than before.
We started chatting and she openly said: “am the prime minister’s prostitute and no one can stop me now.” I harshly ignored her instead provided my testimony to her and experience. She left me yawning over nothing. Later on, I realized that No limit crew members were the most drug addicts except me and Manzi. We tried all the possible means to try and reach our old friends and be able to change them. In my holidays after completing high school in 2006, I met my old friends and taught them the influence of drugs and allowed to start the journey of changing. I usual met people and appreciated my testimony that changed their mindset. Most of the people gave me the courage to continue my life hoping for the best in life.
“I should never let myself down again, let me stand up and be the voice of change”. I will achieve my dreams of becoming a doctor not matter how much I struggle.” Either the day was dim or light, I repeated the words. Today, I am a doctor in one of the local hospitals in our country after a long journey of misery, shame, facing painful reality, and being let down. Young people never misuse your opportunities running for drugs and premature sex. You will regret as I did “Limitations live only in minds but if use our imaginations our possibilities become limitless.” If I would have tried to open my thoughts my possibilities would have become limitless to the extent that minds would recognize each step.