How I learned to stop monopolizing every conversation I was in

This is you, flapping your lips away until Ragnarök.

For most of my life, I wouldn’t shut the hell up.

I talked all the time, about me, about myself, about my thoughts, about my feelings, about things I noticed, me me me me me me me.

Then one day at a party, a really cute girl who’d had a few drinks said “Dude, I get it, blah blah blah!” And her and her friends all laughed. Was it mean, maybe, but she was right, I was a total blabbermouth.

If I’d had to answer any questions about anything she said, I’d have had no idea because 1. I wasn’t listening and 2. She hadn’t said anything.

I’d wanted people to be interested in ME, but the truth is, people are only interested in people who are interested in them.

So, I had to learn to stop monopolizing every conversation I was in, and you can too!

First, accept something: You’re also going to have to talk.

Studies show that conversations in which one party is dominant get weird immediately. If you’re monopolizing conversations, you probably feel this. If you don’t, you’re not reading this answer anyway!

What you want to do is practice actual interest and active listening skills.

First, get in touch with your interest — why do you want to talk with someone? What’s the point? Find something about them that you’re curious about.

Now, ask an open-ended question.

Then, actually listen to who you’re speaking with.

Stay silent, and listen. As you’re listening, give nonverbal signs of encouragement: nod, smile, and even mutter “huh” or “hmmm” as they’re speaking.

When they finish, wait a whole beat or two in the conversation before answering. Likely, they’ll start talking again.

When they really do finish, repeat back to them what you just heard in the following format:

1. Sum up what you heard.
2. Make a small statement about it.
3. Follow up with another question.

Try to make it short, but not shorter than it has to be.

In todays world, it feels so unusual to actually be listened to that the person you’re speaking with will probably really enjoy it and be willing to talk more.

Because you’re summing up what they said, you’ll have to contribute a bit, but also will speak less than them.

The short statement will be your input to the conversation. Normally this is a judgement, some thoughts about what you just heard, or agreement.

Then, the question is a short bit of further interest into something you’re curious about.

So, it might look like this:

“Oh wow, so you spent a whole year in Italy after you studied there. That’s really amazing, I’ve always wanted to go to Italy. What’d you do for work while you were there?”

Their answers will be longer than your summary-statement-question responses.

Now, go do some active listening!