Hell Boasts New Polar Ice Caps As Last Known Holdout Joins Facebook
At the age of fifty…something, and in the year of 2017, Sheriff Bloemendaal officially joined Facebook. All publications preparing to run front page stories on Trump’s most recent tweet immediately scrambled to include this late-breaking development of social media relevance, the last holdout, the end of an era.
Trump’s tweet was relegated to a small headline below the fold:
Haley Joan Osmond badly wanted to attend my gala at Mar-a-Lago, but he was bloody of dead people smell. Gross! I said NO! #MAGA
Earlier this week, Bloemendaal crossed the Rubicon aboard a Lund fishing boat in what some are speculating may be a quest for the ultimate digital fish. One unnamed source (requesting anonymity) claimed the quest isn’t about fish at all but rather social media validation.
While it’s not entirely clear what the motive was for joining, Bloemendaal was quoted just before leaving the dock as saying “I don’t know what I’m doing” and “I had a weak moment.”
Nevertheless, in an appropriate twist of fate, this son of a preacher man was singlehandedly responsible for the freezing over of hell.
The devil, surprisingly, seems to be taking things in stride. “It’s about time we got a new look down here (in hell). I’ve been trying to convince my minions to do a makeover for a few years now ever since watching that attractive guy on TV telling people to ‘Move that bus!’”
As for how he’s adapting to the weather, the devil responded “I rather enjoy the cool temperatures; everyone is much better hydrated” he said, “I’m looking forward to building my first snowman.”
When told how the ice storm that covered his land of hellfire was indirectly triggered by a fisherman crossing a river, the devil smiled and said, “Well I’ll be damned. Perhaps I ought to take up ice fishing now?”
Trump and the White House did not respond to requests for comment. When Trump learned his tweet was bumped from front page headlines, however, the following pair of tweets surface from the official POTUS Twitter account:
Fake News covering a phony story again today. This Bloemendaal guy is a joke, okay? I destroyed him when running for Lyon…
…County Sheriff when counting all the illegal voters. Crime was way up…impeachment?
It was not immediately clear if and when Bloemendaal might cross back to the other side of the river, but he was last seen in this photo with his eldest son taking one last look at the horizon before commencing the voyage.
Whether or not his son had any influence in the decision is unknown at this time.
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