Cars — The modern horse

It doesn’t matter who you are as a person, or what your morals are, we have all seen the rage on the roads and at one time or another, either flipped someone off, called someone a prick, or even brandished the backwards forwards masturbation gesture. Depending on how multi-talented you are, you may be able to do all of them at once (I wouldn’t recommend). People can be right wankers on the road, and the behavior changes from one person to the next. Different people react differently in day to day situations, but the underlying tone on the road is the same.

Peoples attitudes change depending on what kind of day they have had — if you are having a good day, you will flash people to give way, you will say thank you when people let you in, and most of the time not stall the car and drive in a courteous manner. On a bad day you drive like a maniac, stall like a politician on question time, and act like a honey Badger on speed and cocaine that just wants to punch everyone and give them the famous middle finger, followed by the words “fuck YOUUU”

Bit of your theory test here. If you walk down the street on the pathway and an elderly person is in front of you, do you? A. Wait patiently or politely say excuse me? (what everyone would do) B. Shout ‘MOVE’ in her ear and give her a heart attack C. Do you push them to the pavement and stick the boot in? Or D, stand in front of that person and stop whilst they trip over your foot with a cheeky grin on your face? For the people that answered ‘A’ well done you are right, for people that answered any of the other answers, be ashamed of yourself , you belong on the Jeremy Kyle show ‘you waste of space’. In the real world, people don’t push and shove past you when walking down the high street, or run past someone to get to the queue first, so why do it in a car? I think most people wouldn’t do this on the high street and usually show courtesy and manners. It’s funny that this behavior is only prominent when someone has the ability to zoom off in their car, or have the safety of a locked vehicle when sticking up the 2 rabbit ears behind the window. All of a sudden their bollocks grow to the size of the sun and they resemble what can only be described as a smarmy twat!

lorry drivers all think they own the road, most sit in their cab thinking they are the dogs bollocks, listening to their 1980’s music, smoking a fag (THE TWATS DRIVING A FUCKING PETROL LORRY!!!!) . They take half a century to overtake the lorry in front, only to go at exactly the same fucking speed and make no real gain on the road. They feel safe that if there is a crash, then “its OK I’m in a lorry”, on the other hand, regular drivers are thinking (Shit that lorry is not staying in his lane). Lorry drivers are on the road so much they think they own it, equally they can become bored and can make mistakes if they are tired like any other driver. The truth is, some lorry driving companies have implemented a system that keeps lorry drivers awake, this implies that they do this often!! It’s the A45 to Coventry you dick head, not first class on the orient express!!!

Most of us have been in a sticky situation (Not all crashes), but in a crash there are 2 types of people. The person that gets out of their car angrily cursing and shouting at the other person trying to be intimidating, then asking for their details, and the person that gets out of the car, says “are you alright”? And then asks for your details. No one crashes on purpose and we all want to avoid the ball-ache of going through the insurance process, so just keep this in mind if you have a crash. If people did things on purpose then it should be a different story. The only people that like crashes are the vulturous insurance companies. When I rang up about a crash that was no fault of my own, I was treated on the phone like I’d just murdered the pope, or raped a puppy! These self righteous nob ends are out to try and guilt trip you into accepting responsibility “all our calls are recorded for training and monitoring purposes”, what this really needs to say is “all calls are recorded because we might catch you squealing like a child that’s lost its mother, and if you do squeal, we have it on tape you fucking idiot!!”

Most people take cars for granted, so lets just take a moment to appreciate the modern horse that gives us the power to travel across a country in hours, not days in relative comfort. Yes we have to feed it petrol instead of carrots and wash it with soap instead of a brush, but it doesn’t embarrass you by dropping a steaming pile of brown hay in the middle of the town center, batter your arse red raw when you want to go fast or sling you off when they aren’t in the mood. Cars do cause us a ball ache when things go wrong, but the positives by far, outweigh the negatives.