Blog Rantz
Mar 18, 2016 · 3 min read

Public toilets — the story of poo

We have all experienced what it’s like to go for a ‘bosting’ turd at work the day after eating that Madras, or a block of cheese if your lactose intolerant. Or maybe a couple of weetabix if you are a celiac (Rumble rumble)

Always remember to keep the bog roll in the fridge for the day after! It really does help for that ‘ring of fire’ after a vindaloo!!

It occurred to me that if I’m writing satirical blogs, there has to be at least one article around one of man’s (and indeed women's) favorite pastimes. Watch out fellas, it doesn’t smell like roses and yes, their shit stinks too! Why do they call it going for a number 2 anyway? It’s not like you are ordering it off the menu at your local Chinese — although some things you can order does somewhat resemble a steaming pile of shite (I love Chinese by the way)

Annyhoow! There seems to be some kind of etiquette in public toilets, but for the most part, people are embarrassed to drop a log when other people are in the room, and indeed, sometimes it can be embarrassing for the person on the receiving end if they are listening to someone partake in what sounds like a bucket of grapes being poured into a bucket of water! (its equally uncomfortable when you drop a solid lump and splash back hits your arse, its cold, and a bit of a shock)

One of my tactics for taking that dump discreetly, is always wait for the hand dryer to go, and Boom! Let her rip. Another is to flush the toilet and immediately push like you are giving birth to a food baby on steroids. However, It doesn’t work so discreetly if you are gassy and let a fart go that echoes through the toilet bowl and the rest of the room. I’ve even been sat on the toilet once when someone has taken a business call sat on the John, “hello? No I’m not busy, I can talk” swiftly followed by a cheeky grin on my face and flushing the loo! The guy literally shat himself when that happened, and rushed out the toilet quicker than you can say “there’s no bog roll”. again we have all experienced this scenario, having to pull your pants up with a ‘Bisto’ bum, hoping to make it cleanly to the nearest paper dispensary (I have found that hopping is the best — try not to make those cheeks rub together).

Going into a cubicle after someone else has just laid a chunky monkey is always an unpleasant experience, you feel violated and can almost feel you can cut the air with a knife. At this point it feels like you are almost breathing in warm air. Be strong!!

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, most people are embarrassed to have a poo in public — namely because the person sat in the cubicle next to you is literally 2 foot away. it is something that everyone does, weather it’s a pedigree chum poo, or a log, followed by the words “TIMBER”.

So next time you are in the toilet, just let her rip and don’t care what anyone else thinks.

Blog Rantz

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Rantings about general life experiences — daring to say the things that people think, but will never say!