24 June 2014

Cockroach exterminator

A heroic boyfriend is one who exterminates cockroaches without fear or favour. Or at the very least, has radars to scan out cockroaches and alert you, then navigation abilities to quickly lead you away from the damned thing’s marathon or flight path.

I remember early on in our relationship, we were having dinner together at this random restaurant when a relatively small cockroach (like teenager -size) flitted across our table. Before I could even yelp with petrified fear, I saw Julian’s bare hands wham down on that sucker so hard the table shook. This brave and yet UTTERLY DISGUSTING reflex was so horrifying I swear the universe slowed down to display the gross scene in slow motion.

Without blinking he then grabs a tissue and wipes the crushed dead body off his palm like it is no big deal. Hell, it is the biggest deal. Yes you have just saved me from the devil’s spawn but this does not mean I will swoon over you any time soon. In fact, I will refuse to hold your hand for a long, long time. Does not matter if you disinfected your hands with hand wash, soap, bleach, alcohol, clorox etc. Your palm has once very intimately touched a cockroach, that is all the evidence I need to justify never ever holding your hand ever again.

But thank you for saving me — and not being afraid of cockroaches in general.

Today we came across another one. This time it was chilling out on the floor in between where we stood and the door. It is bigger and has a ready-to-fly-at your-horrified-face stance. Julian gave me the customary warning signs to which I took and bolted out of the door, all the time keeping my eyes fixed on it, just in case. Walking towards my car, I asked him why did he not just kill it? You know we should kill it and not give it a chance to further breed baby devils.

His reply? There was nothing he could use to kill it, plus more importantly, he does not want to contaminate his new Sperry shoes.

REALLY NOW. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOUR PRIORITIES MATE.

Edit notes:

So about 1 night after this incident, I woke up from a nasty dream whimpering and yelling. In the dream, my mum pointed at a cockroach inside my bedroom, to which Julian casually ignored and refused to remove. Mum then picked up the cockroach and placed it ON MY BED. It started running around on my bed and I just lost it. Then the fear woke me up.