T H E G O O D W I F E
illusion of my “amicable” divorce
My facebook portrays only one side of my life, the side I think people want to see. So I can understand why my friends who don’t see me on a regular basis may have the wrong impression of my life… especially the ones who have recently told me they how “jealous” they are of it.
This life they envy looks something like this:
Husband quits his job to find himself. I celebrate this.
Husband leaves me to travel to places he couldn’t be contacted for weeks at a time. I create alters at home for his safety. After 2 consecutive years of this I tell Husband on soul searching trip #11 he can’t keep coming and going as he pleases because a part of me dies every time.
Husband and I separate. No need to file it with the courts. We are best friends. We can sort this out…
Husband dates one of my closest friends in-spite of me telling both of them, “this will really hurt me, please don’t do it”.
I refuse to get a lawyer. We aren’t ugly like that…
Husband lies to me about investments and debts to the government. This will affect my credit.
Lawyer? No way, it’s gross.
Husband has an affair for 1.5yrs before we separated (I kissed a woman once, but other than that was faithful for 9yrs).
Husband does something to me that’s far too personal to write/share (far more than me kissing another women).
I refuse to get a lawyer. It goes against everything I believe in.
Husband ask me to forgive girlfriend because she really misses me in her life. There is a special place in hell where some part of her lives everyday.
Friends and family advise me to get a lawyer. I simply can’t.
Husband moves Brazil and leaves me with a lot of his baggage, physical and otherwise.
I hire a mediator.
I am a post grad intern at Stanford. Excellent training = little pay. Husband agrees to roughly 30% of state mandated alimony.
I accept because the alternative is lawyers & my integrity means more.
Husband tells me a week before the divorce finalizes about the infidelities AND that he is telling me NOW because he wants me to see him for the man he really is and not the man I’ve created in my mind.
I tell husband “I’ve always seen you for the man you are. The problem is you have never seen yourself for the man you are. I am not that upset about the infidelities. I understand. I am upset you didn’t tell me. I’m upset you carried this shame for years because your shame WAS my shame. Out of all the women you could’ve married, you chose a partner who would’ve understood and worked with you to have your needs met, but you lacked the courage to exercise this strength of mine. I am upset you stopped seeing me.”
I ask husband to resume 50% financial responsibility for our dog for 24months. Husband tells me to put dog down or give dog to a family who can better care for him.
Husband tells me to stop pretending my life is so great. I tell husband, I’m not pretending.
…and I decide it’s time to sadly cut communication with husband.
Husband and I finalize divorce.
I’m 35 and without the children I still hope to have AND I have an amazing dog.
How many of you saw it that way?
AND… Do I still hold x-husband in high regard as a human? Absolutely.
Would I give x-husband a kidney today if his life depended on it? Yes.
If I had to do it all over again would I hire a lawyer and take the road most traveled? Not a chance.
Does all of this make me a fool? Probably…
…but I think it also makes me powerful!
And so, I’ve come to the conclusion that its probably not my actually life my friends seek as possibly my strength, grace, courage, and most of all foolishness they admire.