I think people take it lightly when I ask them "are you proud of me?" It means the world to me when they say yes. Let me tell you my story.
It was you, my very own father, who taught me to hate who I am. I’ve never felt confident growing up because all you ever did was point out my flaws, mock me, and make me feel inferior without realizing how much it’s breaking me. "lahat na nang mali nasayo" “wala lang kwenta” "bakit hindi ka katulad ni..." "buti pa si...." “ang pangit mo” “simula nung pinanganak ka puro kamalasan lang nadudulot mo” “yung ate mo matalino bat ikaw hindi” “wala namang mangyayari sayo eh huwag ka ng mag-aral”
It was my father who stepped on my dreams, crushing them. You were aware of the things that make me happy I let you know of all people hoping you would understand. But all you ever did was say how I cannot do anything but be a failure. You reminded me everyday that I am incapable. Remember pa, when I was younger? You told me I couldn’t finish this one game because it is only for smart people. Remember your reaction when I finished it faster than anyone?
You who should have been there for me, doing what parents should be doing raised me up without forgetting to remind me everyday how much it was a pain. You invalidated me as a human. It took me years trying to understand why I am like this, I convinced myself not to be mad at you. You raised me up not to be selfish because you thought it would cover up your selfishness. I doubted myself, my abilities, my dreams. I hated myself for not being good, for not being confident, for not being able to achieve anything. All you ever thought about were yourselves.
But for once never akong nagtanim ng galit sayo, I’d still see you as my superman, a good father. Do you ever see me as a good daughter, a princess perhaps? I guess no, coz you always made me feel how failure I am, yes you never hurt me physicaly but you break me emotionally, break me to the point that im asking God why im still breathing.
For once, I want to be at peace. This will be the first and last time I will be selfish. This will be your first day without me. I can now finally rest.
